That's what came to me yesterday.
Where is the pot of gold which lies at the recovery end of this ED? Where is the life of unending joy, guaranteed success, a wonderful husband, lovely kids who obey my every command (i promise, i am not a dictator/tress), a wonderful career, a great house, an ability to communicate wonderfully with everyone i come into, a life without anger, frustration, depression etc.
This is the pot of gold i am referring to. And it came to me on one of my walks yesterday that if this pot of gold is not guaranteed, then maybe i ought to stick with the devil i know - the ED. Why should i give the eating disorder up for a Life of Guaranteed Uncertainties?
I guess because that is what life is: a bouquet of uncertainties. This fact is inescapable. And to try to escape it with the certainties which come with an ED (bony/slim body, an emotional catheter, depression, possible death) is akin to NOT LIVING. This would be what it means to choose existing over living. It really is about saying "i choose life - and all that comes along with life" which fortunately or unfortunately includes UNCERTAINTY.
So, back to my pot of gold. Does it exist? Hmmm. I guess that is one of the flowers in that big ol' bouquet of uncertainty. It may exist. It may not. By choosing to live, you risk discovering that there are more withering than thriving flowers. Or, vice-versa. The optimist in me will never die. We can still do something about any flowers that we are not happy with. Take them out, keep them and see how we can still create a beautiful bouquet.
We have some control even in the midst of uncertainty. And even though sometimes it feels that we may be reacting more than acting, the fact still remains, there are some things we can change but there just may be some things we can't. I can't dictate to life or God that i will have a wonderful husband and kids. I can pray for it. Sure. And if it doesn't come, or it doesn't come in the way i expect, what then? Will i choose to wallow in misery or say that i can still be content in spite of.
And i guess that is the note on which i will end this pot of gold post. With a question.
Can i still be content in spite of.............?
Just an update regarding the Day Programme. Today was intense. Wow. I think i left feeling like the ED is so much more complicated than i thought and i don't know how i will ever accept my physical self. I want to. I want to be okay with me just because that is a better way to live than in a constant state of discontentment.
I am still struggling immensely wth the urge to overexercise which i am totally giving into and i am also struggling to recognise the language of my body. When i feel a slight pang of somthing akin to hunger, does that really mean i am hungry even though i had a decent sized lunch a few hours ago, and a snack an hour ago. Much to work on and it has taken a month to get here. I am worried that i need a whole year in DP and not the half a year allocated. Hmm.
Anyway, i will try to take one day at a time and continue reflecting through this blog.
Thank you for lending me your eyes.
xx
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
Monday, 27 September 2010
Real Tears Draw Us Closer to the Truth
The Truth or the Root. Whatever it may be for you.
This evening, i cried in the middle of a binge.
It didn't take me long to work out what the tears were about.
I was tired. Tired of giving in to the ED. Tired of having to see professionals. Tired of letting myself suffer. Tired of the ED. Tired of living in this way.
It wasn't a full-on gut busting, back-hurting kind of binge. But it was a binge and it really upset me. I have never cried like that before. I wasn't sobbing uncontrollably or wailing like a banshee. But i was crying. Tears dropped steadily onto my lap, my view was impaired momentarily by the transparent liquid which accumulated on the lower rim of my eye. And then i paused and continued eating. Because i had to. Because i needed this binge to be over so the purging could start and then end. And so that i could put an end, albeit momentarily, to the chaos of this eating disorder.
It's been a long time since i cried about the eating disorder. I have not often been driven to tears by the ED. My first vivid memory of tears driven by the ED was over a year ago. I remember it as if it was only a blink ago. I had just returned from the doctor and told her that i had an eating disorder and that i needed help. She was so kind. She was old and seemingly stern in appearance but soft in her reception. "I will make sure i help you," i remember her saying. And she did. She referred me onto the appropriate services. And that day, i returned to an empty house (which is rare) and i cried uncontrollably for 45 minutes or so. These were real tears. Not the kind of tears you use to manipulate people or situations, or the kind of tears which are triggered by empathy. These were tears of relief. That finally, i had told a professional about the ED after living with it for almost half my life and getting on with life with the ED unapologetically by my side. I cried because it had taken every inch of strength for me not to run from that waiting room. It took every breath i had to utter the words: "i have an eating disorder" instead of "i have just come for a check-up".
A few months later when i was fighting the ED alone after being told that i would have to wait over a year to be referred to a therapist, i sobbed uncontrollably on the way to work. I walked and cried. Sat on the tube and cried. Walked across the bridge which led to my place of work and cried. And this time, i cried because i was mourning the time i had given to the ED. I was mourning the life i had lost to the ED, the way in which it had isolated me from relationships, from true bonding with friends and family, from the carefree-ness which comes with eating without worry. I mourned and i sobbed and i didn't care who saw me. I didn't care that i was in the midst of young and old alike, on a tube, with tears rolling down my eyes and boggers up my nose. I just cared that the ED had robbed me and i had allowed it to.
And so i am drawn to the conclusion of all that i am sharing. Real tears are empowering because they draw us towards the heart of the matter which if we are honest, is sometimes the truth we are seeking to avoid. I wanted to avoid dealing with the regret i had about allowing the ED to take a hold of me so cunningly. I wanted to avoid having others know that i had an ED, including professionals. I was scared of people knowing.
And so tonight, when i cried, it drew me closer to the truth which i am trying to avoid confronting: that this ED is robbing me of life and i am not fighting. I am allowing it to. Don't get me wrong. I have not waved the white flag and i am still trying but if i am honest, i don't feel like i am fighting with all my strength. I say this simply because i have seen my determination on previous occasion and i know what that picture looks like but this canvas which lies in front of me, portrays a different me to the one i am used to. And that disappoints me.
I want to live without regret. I want to know that i have given this my all. That i really tried to overcome. And even if i don't, i want to know that i tried. I don't want to be 35 with an ED, or 40 with an ED. I don't want to be like the people that say: i just didn't fight and i don't know why. I want to know that i gave it my all. I don't want to settle for managing the ED, or living with it or whatever else equates to a life with an ED. I want to be free of it. I want to know that i fought to be free of it.
That is the truth which i am drawn to this evening.
I bid you all a Good Night and hope that you are all drawn closer to the truth. Your truth. No matter how painful it may be to confront that truth.
xx
This evening, i cried in the middle of a binge.
It didn't take me long to work out what the tears were about.
I was tired. Tired of giving in to the ED. Tired of having to see professionals. Tired of letting myself suffer. Tired of the ED. Tired of living in this way.
It wasn't a full-on gut busting, back-hurting kind of binge. But it was a binge and it really upset me. I have never cried like that before. I wasn't sobbing uncontrollably or wailing like a banshee. But i was crying. Tears dropped steadily onto my lap, my view was impaired momentarily by the transparent liquid which accumulated on the lower rim of my eye. And then i paused and continued eating. Because i had to. Because i needed this binge to be over so the purging could start and then end. And so that i could put an end, albeit momentarily, to the chaos of this eating disorder.
It's been a long time since i cried about the eating disorder. I have not often been driven to tears by the ED. My first vivid memory of tears driven by the ED was over a year ago. I remember it as if it was only a blink ago. I had just returned from the doctor and told her that i had an eating disorder and that i needed help. She was so kind. She was old and seemingly stern in appearance but soft in her reception. "I will make sure i help you," i remember her saying. And she did. She referred me onto the appropriate services. And that day, i returned to an empty house (which is rare) and i cried uncontrollably for 45 minutes or so. These were real tears. Not the kind of tears you use to manipulate people or situations, or the kind of tears which are triggered by empathy. These were tears of relief. That finally, i had told a professional about the ED after living with it for almost half my life and getting on with life with the ED unapologetically by my side. I cried because it had taken every inch of strength for me not to run from that waiting room. It took every breath i had to utter the words: "i have an eating disorder" instead of "i have just come for a check-up".
A few months later when i was fighting the ED alone after being told that i would have to wait over a year to be referred to a therapist, i sobbed uncontrollably on the way to work. I walked and cried. Sat on the tube and cried. Walked across the bridge which led to my place of work and cried. And this time, i cried because i was mourning the time i had given to the ED. I was mourning the life i had lost to the ED, the way in which it had isolated me from relationships, from true bonding with friends and family, from the carefree-ness which comes with eating without worry. I mourned and i sobbed and i didn't care who saw me. I didn't care that i was in the midst of young and old alike, on a tube, with tears rolling down my eyes and boggers up my nose. I just cared that the ED had robbed me and i had allowed it to.
And so i am drawn to the conclusion of all that i am sharing. Real tears are empowering because they draw us towards the heart of the matter which if we are honest, is sometimes the truth we are seeking to avoid. I wanted to avoid dealing with the regret i had about allowing the ED to take a hold of me so cunningly. I wanted to avoid having others know that i had an ED, including professionals. I was scared of people knowing.
And so tonight, when i cried, it drew me closer to the truth which i am trying to avoid confronting: that this ED is robbing me of life and i am not fighting. I am allowing it to. Don't get me wrong. I have not waved the white flag and i am still trying but if i am honest, i don't feel like i am fighting with all my strength. I say this simply because i have seen my determination on previous occasion and i know what that picture looks like but this canvas which lies in front of me, portrays a different me to the one i am used to. And that disappoints me.
I want to live without regret. I want to know that i have given this my all. That i really tried to overcome. And even if i don't, i want to know that i tried. I don't want to be 35 with an ED, or 40 with an ED. I don't want to be like the people that say: i just didn't fight and i don't know why. I want to know that i gave it my all. I don't want to settle for managing the ED, or living with it or whatever else equates to a life with an ED. I want to be free of it. I want to know that i fought to be free of it.
That is the truth which i am drawn to this evening.
I bid you all a Good Night and hope that you are all drawn closer to the truth. Your truth. No matter how painful it may be to confront that truth.
xx
Sunday, 26 September 2010
On Mood and Openness
I tend to write my title first and then i stray off target and then by the end, i somehow get back to where the title suggested i should be. Let's see if this follows the same pattern.
On Mood:
For someone with an ED, i can imagine that mood is something which fluctuates immensely. Mood can affect motivation. For me, the fact that i have been of low mood for over a year has affected my motivation to recover in strange ways. Initially when i was what i would term 'severely depressed' or of 'very low mood', it made me question what was at the root of it and once i realised that it was the ED, it made me want to fight against the disorder. The reason: i was getting suicidal thoughts/urges/compulsions which at times felt like they were coming from me and at other times, felt as though someone who wanted the end of me was compelling me to essentially, take my own life. I had only once ever had those kind of thoughts and that was during my early teen years. As an adult with an ED, i had never suffered from depression. It was after the entrance of these thoughts into my mind that i realised that the ED was in fact trying to kill me. Sounds dramatic. I know. But that was what it came down to. So i was of very low mood but yet somehow motivated to put things into place to beat the ED and i worked very hard initially to combat the ED. My faith helped me a lot initially and i was able to eat 3 meals a day for a few weeks. But as the weeks went on and old frustrations returned, i turned to the ED as a comforter. My mood was still low and i was still getting a lot of suicidal thoughts but somehow, i started to see the ED as friend and foe. Meaning that my ability to fight it ebbed and flowed.
And so here i am, many months later, wondering where i am at in recovery. My mood is at present: stable. That means that i have no desire to end my life, i am sometimes down with the ED but never suicidal down. What effect does my current mood have on the ED? This is a strange one because i have given in to the ED for the most part. I am not sure if that is to do with my mood or the fact that i feel powerless. Like this thing is more powerful than me and sometimes, the more i fight, the harder i fall when the ED bites back. What i am relying on is the hope that doing the DP (Day Programme) will somehow help me find the motivation that i lost many moons ago. I need to be motivated for recovery or else what is left for me. No-one can desire it for me more than i desire it for myself. And even if they did desire it more than i did for myself, that would not help me recover any quicker.
This weekend has been quite a good one in terms of getting out and about and not sitting at home depressed with an ED but the truth is that the ED has still gone on a rampage. I think that i am trying to return to the time when my ED was manageable. When i could go days without bingeing and purging. When restriction was the order of the day. But in truth, this is no way to live. It will only lead me back down the slippery slope of a full blown ED and all the consequences that engenders: low weight, low mood, sickness, supplements, awkwardness with family, no family of my own, no social life, isolation etc.
So this leads me to my next theme:
On Openness:
I feel that all that is left for me to do now is cling onto any rope i can find and one of those ropes is that of my family. As support. In order to be able to gain support, we have to be open with those whose support we are seeking. Open about our behaviours (as much as we feel able) and open about how they can help us. I did that tonight with a family member and i was really proud of myself. It is important, in my opinion, that we choose carefully. I have done the same with another family member but now i feel anxious around them rather than free and with others, i know that i cannot receive the kind of support i would like from them because their understanding of the ED is skewed. Some think i just need to pull my socks up and that i will recover when i am bored with being at a low weight and not having a life (as i want it), others just keep me in mind when they pray but do not see how they can really help (saddens me, this one), and others, just don't get that i am not yet able to be normal around food so having a conversation with me about foods they like and blah, blah, blah, really is not that helpful. It is not their fault and they really should be able to discuss things freely but i am not yet that strong either. Anyway, choose wisely is what i am getting at.
So, another day of 'feeding' calls out to me like a distant wave. I think i can hear my name.
I'm outta here.
xx
On Mood:
For someone with an ED, i can imagine that mood is something which fluctuates immensely. Mood can affect motivation. For me, the fact that i have been of low mood for over a year has affected my motivation to recover in strange ways. Initially when i was what i would term 'severely depressed' or of 'very low mood', it made me question what was at the root of it and once i realised that it was the ED, it made me want to fight against the disorder. The reason: i was getting suicidal thoughts/urges/compulsions which at times felt like they were coming from me and at other times, felt as though someone who wanted the end of me was compelling me to essentially, take my own life. I had only once ever had those kind of thoughts and that was during my early teen years. As an adult with an ED, i had never suffered from depression. It was after the entrance of these thoughts into my mind that i realised that the ED was in fact trying to kill me. Sounds dramatic. I know. But that was what it came down to. So i was of very low mood but yet somehow motivated to put things into place to beat the ED and i worked very hard initially to combat the ED. My faith helped me a lot initially and i was able to eat 3 meals a day for a few weeks. But as the weeks went on and old frustrations returned, i turned to the ED as a comforter. My mood was still low and i was still getting a lot of suicidal thoughts but somehow, i started to see the ED as friend and foe. Meaning that my ability to fight it ebbed and flowed.
And so here i am, many months later, wondering where i am at in recovery. My mood is at present: stable. That means that i have no desire to end my life, i am sometimes down with the ED but never suicidal down. What effect does my current mood have on the ED? This is a strange one because i have given in to the ED for the most part. I am not sure if that is to do with my mood or the fact that i feel powerless. Like this thing is more powerful than me and sometimes, the more i fight, the harder i fall when the ED bites back. What i am relying on is the hope that doing the DP (Day Programme) will somehow help me find the motivation that i lost many moons ago. I need to be motivated for recovery or else what is left for me. No-one can desire it for me more than i desire it for myself. And even if they did desire it more than i did for myself, that would not help me recover any quicker.
This weekend has been quite a good one in terms of getting out and about and not sitting at home depressed with an ED but the truth is that the ED has still gone on a rampage. I think that i am trying to return to the time when my ED was manageable. When i could go days without bingeing and purging. When restriction was the order of the day. But in truth, this is no way to live. It will only lead me back down the slippery slope of a full blown ED and all the consequences that engenders: low weight, low mood, sickness, supplements, awkwardness with family, no family of my own, no social life, isolation etc.
So this leads me to my next theme:
On Openness:
I feel that all that is left for me to do now is cling onto any rope i can find and one of those ropes is that of my family. As support. In order to be able to gain support, we have to be open with those whose support we are seeking. Open about our behaviours (as much as we feel able) and open about how they can help us. I did that tonight with a family member and i was really proud of myself. It is important, in my opinion, that we choose carefully. I have done the same with another family member but now i feel anxious around them rather than free and with others, i know that i cannot receive the kind of support i would like from them because their understanding of the ED is skewed. Some think i just need to pull my socks up and that i will recover when i am bored with being at a low weight and not having a life (as i want it), others just keep me in mind when they pray but do not see how they can really help (saddens me, this one), and others, just don't get that i am not yet able to be normal around food so having a conversation with me about foods they like and blah, blah, blah, really is not that helpful. It is not their fault and they really should be able to discuss things freely but i am not yet that strong either. Anyway, choose wisely is what i am getting at.
So, another day of 'feeding' calls out to me like a distant wave. I think i can hear my name.
I'm outta here.
xx
Thursday, 23 September 2010
Is fear of a relapse keeping me from fighting for recovery?
It's been 3 weeks since i started the DP. And today was a strange day. It was a great day but at the end, i left on a slightly sour note. I just felt a lot of heaviness in the air. Like the ED being all consuming and it adds a bitter taste at the end of every sweet mouthful. It felt like for every great thing that was said, there was a BUT at the end of it and that BUT was the uncertainty which the ED pours into everything. I don't know exactly how to describe it: it's like... i want to do this BUT the ED.... Hmmm
The best thing about this week was the fact that i finally feel comfortable with lunch and snacks. I FEEL OKAY. I don't have the post-lunch urge to purge and furthermore, i am beginning to enjoy lunch and sometimes, i feel as though i could eat a little more. I am so glad for this. It gives me hope of a healthy future. Furthermore, i am thinking about incorporating the DP structure into my weekends so that i am not completely devoted to the ED at the weekends.
My toughest challenge this week: well actually, there are 2.
1) What do i do in the evenings when hunger comesa-callin? I am not sure why i feel so unable to just eat a meal in the evenings and keep it in. I have no idea where to start. Of course, there's lots i have learnt in DP about portion size etc. But (there's that ED BUT again) the same support i get during DP, where we all sit around the table to eat, is exactly what i need but is precisely what is lacking at home for me. Not sure how to move forward from this but this is something i am intending to discuss with a staff member next week.
2) I am not sure if this is a challenge or a cause for concern. I have significantly increased my exercise regime since starting DP. Pretty much doubled it. The intensity has increased as well. I am not a calorie counter or a calorie burning fanatic (no disresepect intended). But, i do always push myself to run further, or walk further or do whatever it is for longer. My current increase was borne out of my desire to avoid purging in the evenings. I end up walking around town with no singular purpose but with a definite destination. I know that the main thing for me is the feeling that i need to walk off the feeling of fulness. Not so much burn calories but walk until i no longer feel so full. Also, i walk to avoid going straight home where i fear purging which will undo all the effort i put into keeping lunch in and which leads to a more chaotic evening of bingeing and purging. A part of me is walking because i feel lazy in DP. I sit, i eat, i sit some more and i eat. I am used to leading an active lifestlye and all the sitting is beginning to annoy me. I am getting used to it but i do feel the need to move more. I am sad that this is now a new sting in the ED tail but i will be honest with staff about this.
I want to be kinder to my body. It has done nothing to harm me and i ought to treat it with more care and compassion.
Some of the things which concern me is how much it seems to be about food. I feel like we don't talk enough about how we feel after meals and snacks and i feel that we need to talk more about how we can be supported. What practical steps can we take? I am also concerned about how much DP is really going to help me. I see others still struggling even though they have been there much longer than i have and i know i ought not to compare but now that i see how it operates, i can see why some still struggle. I know we all have different starting points and maybe they have made loads of progress and i just can't see it because i am new to this. Maybe i am just rambling now. Basically, i am worried this is not going to help me as much as i hope it will.
And so the title now becomes pertinent. I know that a big thing which stops me from fully giving recovery my all is the fear of relapse or the fear of partial rather than full recovery. If i have to live with an ED for the rest of my life (i pray i don't have to), then why bother trying now. Of course that sounds stupid but i might as well get it out there. I can't live a full life with the ED. But no matter what happens, i am still determined to live. ED or NOT. I hope it's a NOT.
Thanks for reading.
The best thing about this week was the fact that i finally feel comfortable with lunch and snacks. I FEEL OKAY. I don't have the post-lunch urge to purge and furthermore, i am beginning to enjoy lunch and sometimes, i feel as though i could eat a little more. I am so glad for this. It gives me hope of a healthy future. Furthermore, i am thinking about incorporating the DP structure into my weekends so that i am not completely devoted to the ED at the weekends.
My toughest challenge this week: well actually, there are 2.
1) What do i do in the evenings when hunger comesa-callin? I am not sure why i feel so unable to just eat a meal in the evenings and keep it in. I have no idea where to start. Of course, there's lots i have learnt in DP about portion size etc. But (there's that ED BUT again) the same support i get during DP, where we all sit around the table to eat, is exactly what i need but is precisely what is lacking at home for me. Not sure how to move forward from this but this is something i am intending to discuss with a staff member next week.
2) I am not sure if this is a challenge or a cause for concern. I have significantly increased my exercise regime since starting DP. Pretty much doubled it. The intensity has increased as well. I am not a calorie counter or a calorie burning fanatic (no disresepect intended). But, i do always push myself to run further, or walk further or do whatever it is for longer. My current increase was borne out of my desire to avoid purging in the evenings. I end up walking around town with no singular purpose but with a definite destination. I know that the main thing for me is the feeling that i need to walk off the feeling of fulness. Not so much burn calories but walk until i no longer feel so full. Also, i walk to avoid going straight home where i fear purging which will undo all the effort i put into keeping lunch in and which leads to a more chaotic evening of bingeing and purging. A part of me is walking because i feel lazy in DP. I sit, i eat, i sit some more and i eat. I am used to leading an active lifestlye and all the sitting is beginning to annoy me. I am getting used to it but i do feel the need to move more. I am sad that this is now a new sting in the ED tail but i will be honest with staff about this.
I want to be kinder to my body. It has done nothing to harm me and i ought to treat it with more care and compassion.
Some of the things which concern me is how much it seems to be about food. I feel like we don't talk enough about how we feel after meals and snacks and i feel that we need to talk more about how we can be supported. What practical steps can we take? I am also concerned about how much DP is really going to help me. I see others still struggling even though they have been there much longer than i have and i know i ought not to compare but now that i see how it operates, i can see why some still struggle. I know we all have different starting points and maybe they have made loads of progress and i just can't see it because i am new to this. Maybe i am just rambling now. Basically, i am worried this is not going to help me as much as i hope it will.
And so the title now becomes pertinent. I know that a big thing which stops me from fully giving recovery my all is the fear of relapse or the fear of partial rather than full recovery. If i have to live with an ED for the rest of my life (i pray i don't have to), then why bother trying now. Of course that sounds stupid but i might as well get it out there. I can't live a full life with the ED. But no matter what happens, i am still determined to live. ED or NOT. I hope it's a NOT.
Thanks for reading.
Monday, 20 September 2010
On Motivation or Lack Therof
Today in DP (Day Programme), i spent much of my time feeling guilty. Guilty about the fact that i am the least motivated for recovery that i have been in a year. I can recall about 3 different periods of serious motivation to recover from the ED or at least, to end my behaviours. I realised today that leaving behaviours behind still does not mean you are recovered if you are not dealing with underlying issues. I had never thought about it in those terms before. I do feel as though i am learning a lot. But, i feel guilty because i feel that someone who is more motivated, should have been offered my place in DP.
I ate lunch today, knowing that i had not given myself the option of not purging which inevitably meant that i would purge, once i got home. I will at least respect the facilities where i am doing DP and i can pledge never to purge there again. Doing that last week was a big mistake. Pain or not. But that is not what i do. I don't go around purging in public places and once i start doing that, i know that i am really letting the ED win. It is not about the shame of doing that but it is more about the power i give to the ED when i say it is okay to do that. I have purged in public toilets 3 times in the over 10 years i have spent with the ED. I don't want this to be added ammunition in the ED armoury so i choose to make purging in public loos not an option. I fully intend to stick to this one. It makes me more conscious about eating when i am out and about.
I guess the reason i allowed myself to leave open the question of purging or not was because it felt like the only way i could enjoy lunch today. The truth is that i spent the entire weekend restricting and purging so by this morning, i was starving. I was starving last night but i did not want to get out of bed and eat something because i felt that if i did that, then i would invite the ED back in, in the form of purging. It is interesting that for me, purging is not fine but somehow restricting is. So when i was restricting at the weekend, i thought that was allowed but purging brought on guilt. I guess i need to realise that all ED behaviours are counter productive. I think that because purging is what i now struggle most with, it feels as though getting rid of this would solve all my problems but i think i realise that it is just one part of the ED puzzle. Writing this out helps me see things differently.
I really want to speak to someone at DP to tell them about my lack of motivation and whether it is right for me to continue. I am not looking for a way out but for me, i am not doing well at the moment. Some days, i purge less, at the weekends, i purge just as much. I know it has only been a few weeks but truth is, my head is not in the right place and yet i feel that i need to do something. I cannot sit at home waiting for the ED to disappear. I am also worried that they will say that i am not doing well and ask me to leave so i figure it is better to get in there first and sack myself rather than be sacked. Sigh!!!!!!!
I feel very alone with the ED at the moment and don't know how to reach out to others for help except to say lock me in a room with no food and bring me 3 meals and 2 snacks a day. But i am sure this is the quickest path to resentment on my part and on the part of those i am asking for this level of care. Sigh!!!!!
I have been very down since Friday and i know the root of this, in part, is feeling bigger in myself. Like my clothes not fitting as snugly and my face looking a little fuller. I know this is where this started. I thought it was just about jumping on the scales at the weekend, but i now realise it started the day before when i wore an item of clothing which left me feeling huge. So stupid to feel that way considering that the size that i am now wearing is way smaller than my natural size. So why do i end up questioning myself and not the clothes? Why don't i question the fact that i am not wearing the right size for me???
I'm off. I hope anyone reading this is doing a lot better than i am at the moment.
xx
I ate lunch today, knowing that i had not given myself the option of not purging which inevitably meant that i would purge, once i got home. I will at least respect the facilities where i am doing DP and i can pledge never to purge there again. Doing that last week was a big mistake. Pain or not. But that is not what i do. I don't go around purging in public places and once i start doing that, i know that i am really letting the ED win. It is not about the shame of doing that but it is more about the power i give to the ED when i say it is okay to do that. I have purged in public toilets 3 times in the over 10 years i have spent with the ED. I don't want this to be added ammunition in the ED armoury so i choose to make purging in public loos not an option. I fully intend to stick to this one. It makes me more conscious about eating when i am out and about.
I guess the reason i allowed myself to leave open the question of purging or not was because it felt like the only way i could enjoy lunch today. The truth is that i spent the entire weekend restricting and purging so by this morning, i was starving. I was starving last night but i did not want to get out of bed and eat something because i felt that if i did that, then i would invite the ED back in, in the form of purging. It is interesting that for me, purging is not fine but somehow restricting is. So when i was restricting at the weekend, i thought that was allowed but purging brought on guilt. I guess i need to realise that all ED behaviours are counter productive. I think that because purging is what i now struggle most with, it feels as though getting rid of this would solve all my problems but i think i realise that it is just one part of the ED puzzle. Writing this out helps me see things differently.
I really want to speak to someone at DP to tell them about my lack of motivation and whether it is right for me to continue. I am not looking for a way out but for me, i am not doing well at the moment. Some days, i purge less, at the weekends, i purge just as much. I know it has only been a few weeks but truth is, my head is not in the right place and yet i feel that i need to do something. I cannot sit at home waiting for the ED to disappear. I am also worried that they will say that i am not doing well and ask me to leave so i figure it is better to get in there first and sack myself rather than be sacked. Sigh!!!!!!!
I feel very alone with the ED at the moment and don't know how to reach out to others for help except to say lock me in a room with no food and bring me 3 meals and 2 snacks a day. But i am sure this is the quickest path to resentment on my part and on the part of those i am asking for this level of care. Sigh!!!!!
I have been very down since Friday and i know the root of this, in part, is feeling bigger in myself. Like my clothes not fitting as snugly and my face looking a little fuller. I know this is where this started. I thought it was just about jumping on the scales at the weekend, but i now realise it started the day before when i wore an item of clothing which left me feeling huge. So stupid to feel that way considering that the size that i am now wearing is way smaller than my natural size. So why do i end up questioning myself and not the clothes? Why don't i question the fact that i am not wearing the right size for me???
I'm off. I hope anyone reading this is doing a lot better than i am at the moment.
xx
Saturday, 18 September 2010
Recovery From Anorexia Without Weight Gain
Not possible is it? I was reminded of that when i stepped on the scales this morning (that was my first mistake) after a week of not weighing myself and 2 weeks of the Day Programme. Suffice to say, i was not a happy bunny this morning.
It's strange how badly i reacted this morning in comparison to how i reacted last week. This morning, my automatic and mechanical response was to head for the kitchen and try to make myself feel better with some good ol' fashioned bingeing and purging. Oh, that faithful friend of mine. Always there to make me feel worse when i already feel worse. So yes, now i as lie here smothered in ED goodness, i wonder why i ever stepped on those scales and how i will deal with weight gain.
I DON'T WANT IT!!!!!!!!!!
Shout out to all those who want to recover without the inevitable weight gain. (I can hear the applause somewhere in the background).
Okay, time to get real. It is nigh on impossible to recover from an anorexic weight without gaining weight. There, i said it. IMPOSSIBLE. Because, being at an anorexic weight as an adult, is unnatural for most individuals. When i say unnatural, i mean that being at that weight is often as a result of manipulation. Such as starving oneself, purging etc.
I would be a liar if i said that a part of me does not love being at this weight. Herein lie some of the reasons why i prefer being at this weight:
- i feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin
- i think i look better in some clothes at this weight (jeans for instance)
- i feel less preoccupied with how my body looks (i know this sounds strange)
BUT, here lie some of the disadvantages
- some women lose their menstrual cycle meaning childbearing is impossible
- the body begins to disintegrate (bones become more fragile, bruising happens more easily, there is no fat under the skin which is a strange thing to look at, there is no fat in your butt (good for some, horrid for me))
- it draws a lot of negative and curious attention to be at such a low weight (from loved ones and sometimes strangers)
- summer is not as enjoyable since bones are not as attractive to outsiders as they sometimes are to people who are low of weight. This means i spent a lot of summer covering up. Not nice in hot weather.
- people sometimes look incredibly pale, lifeless in the eyes
- maintaining such a low weight is not fun (starving is not fun, purging even less fun, alienating oneself from any event involving food is awful). Basically, being at this weight takes a lot of fun out of living
It is clear that there are many more disadvantages than advantages. But, when i was many kilos higher, i felt very uncomfortable in my body. Recently, i did try to see the positive side of gaining: i get to look like a woman, i won't look like a kid, i get to develop a new sense of self (sounds like bullshit doesn't it?) etc, etc, etc. I guess the strange thing about not being comfortable in one's skin is that when i tried clothes on and they did not fit in a way which i liked, instead of me questioning the clothes, i often questioned myself. Not fitting into clothes made me think that i somehow didn't fit into......????????? society??? That i was somehow abnormal. And yet i know this is not the case. It was pointed out this week to me that many of the fashion designers are gay men. It is interesting to think about how this affects the fashion trends that are out there. I would be curious to hear more thoughts on this one. A lot of clothes seem to celebrate a boyish figure and not a womanly figure. By this, i am not talking about big vs small because even petite women can have an incredibly feminine body. I simply mean that a lot of clothes seem to be made for people of a narrow, straight frame, rather than those with rounder assets as a woman's figure tends towards. Anyway, i think i was writing this because i am looking forward to trying to clothes which celebrate my figure rather than those which make me question my figure. I still want to live a healthy life, eat great food, have a healthy relationship with exercise and be the weight i was intended to be.
But how do i get there when even a small change on the scales (scales are not what we should be using to measure our worth and yet i do that) sends me into an ED frenzy. Hmmm.
Another topic which i want to write about at some point is hunger. What is it? How do we know when we are hungy/when to eat?
Farewell for now.
xx
It's strange how badly i reacted this morning in comparison to how i reacted last week. This morning, my automatic and mechanical response was to head for the kitchen and try to make myself feel better with some good ol' fashioned bingeing and purging. Oh, that faithful friend of mine. Always there to make me feel worse when i already feel worse. So yes, now i as lie here smothered in ED goodness, i wonder why i ever stepped on those scales and how i will deal with weight gain.
I DON'T WANT IT!!!!!!!!!!
Shout out to all those who want to recover without the inevitable weight gain. (I can hear the applause somewhere in the background).
Okay, time to get real. It is nigh on impossible to recover from an anorexic weight without gaining weight. There, i said it. IMPOSSIBLE. Because, being at an anorexic weight as an adult, is unnatural for most individuals. When i say unnatural, i mean that being at that weight is often as a result of manipulation. Such as starving oneself, purging etc.
I would be a liar if i said that a part of me does not love being at this weight. Herein lie some of the reasons why i prefer being at this weight:
- i feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin
- i think i look better in some clothes at this weight (jeans for instance)
- i feel less preoccupied with how my body looks (i know this sounds strange)
BUT, here lie some of the disadvantages
- some women lose their menstrual cycle meaning childbearing is impossible
- the body begins to disintegrate (bones become more fragile, bruising happens more easily, there is no fat under the skin which is a strange thing to look at, there is no fat in your butt (good for some, horrid for me))
- it draws a lot of negative and curious attention to be at such a low weight (from loved ones and sometimes strangers)
- summer is not as enjoyable since bones are not as attractive to outsiders as they sometimes are to people who are low of weight. This means i spent a lot of summer covering up. Not nice in hot weather.
- people sometimes look incredibly pale, lifeless in the eyes
- maintaining such a low weight is not fun (starving is not fun, purging even less fun, alienating oneself from any event involving food is awful). Basically, being at this weight takes a lot of fun out of living
It is clear that there are many more disadvantages than advantages. But, when i was many kilos higher, i felt very uncomfortable in my body. Recently, i did try to see the positive side of gaining: i get to look like a woman, i won't look like a kid, i get to develop a new sense of self (sounds like bullshit doesn't it?) etc, etc, etc. I guess the strange thing about not being comfortable in one's skin is that when i tried clothes on and they did not fit in a way which i liked, instead of me questioning the clothes, i often questioned myself. Not fitting into clothes made me think that i somehow didn't fit into......????????? society??? That i was somehow abnormal. And yet i know this is not the case. It was pointed out this week to me that many of the fashion designers are gay men. It is interesting to think about how this affects the fashion trends that are out there. I would be curious to hear more thoughts on this one. A lot of clothes seem to celebrate a boyish figure and not a womanly figure. By this, i am not talking about big vs small because even petite women can have an incredibly feminine body. I simply mean that a lot of clothes seem to be made for people of a narrow, straight frame, rather than those with rounder assets as a woman's figure tends towards. Anyway, i think i was writing this because i am looking forward to trying to clothes which celebrate my figure rather than those which make me question my figure. I still want to live a healthy life, eat great food, have a healthy relationship with exercise and be the weight i was intended to be.
But how do i get there when even a small change on the scales (scales are not what we should be using to measure our worth and yet i do that) sends me into an ED frenzy. Hmmm.
Another topic which i want to write about at some point is hunger. What is it? How do we know when we are hungy/when to eat?
Farewell for now.
xx
Friday, 17 September 2010
Have you ever noticed how bossy the ED is?/Tough day at the ED office
Yep. I sure have noticed how bossy the ED is. I think i had this epihany sometime last week. I realised that it was the only thing in my life which consisted of 'have to's'. Just in case i am not being clear, this is an idea of some of the ED have to's in my life:
- i have to do some form of exercise 6 times a week
- if i have had a hard day at the ED office, i have to walk it off. But not just a short walk, i have to walk many kilometres to get rid of any negative feelings i have from the fact of eating.
- at the weekend, i have to binge and purge or exercise in the morning. If i fail to exercise when i have planned to, then i have to binge and purge as punishment. Since when was pain or pain a choice?
- i have to feel bad for eating food which is out of my control in terms of portion size (so today was a particularly tough day - i will explain more later).
You get the picture. You get my drift. There are many have to's in the ED world. Even God Himself doesn't give us have to's. He gives us a choice. And yes, there are sometimes negative consequences when we make the wrong choice but at least we have a choice.
I think i am writing this just to acknowledge the fact that the ED is a bitch, a bastard, a dictator, an autocrat/a despot and every other thing i hate. It essentially robs us of choice. If only we would use every inch of assertiveness that we have within us to just tell it to fuck off. (Please forgive the profanity).
So yesterday, the have to which made my day a tough one was this:
If you eat the lunch which is in front of you, you have to pay for it. And pay for it i did. I walked for a couple of hours and then made sure that i binged and purged when i returned home, even though my usual hunger precursor was non-existent. The story goes a little something like this:
I was kind of looking forward to lunch. It was not necessarily about the food but i was just looking forward to being with others, eating around the table and maybe challenging myself with the food (the latter shows just how crazy i am). Anyway, when it came to dishing out my portion, i was told to take double of the carb option which freaked me out because a single portion seemed more than enough for me. Added to that the protein and the vegetables which i was about to choose, my plate seemed mountainous. The plates we use are large and i think that heightens my sense of freakoutedness (invented word. i know. sue me!!!!!)
And so i spent a few minutes with the staff debating why i needed an extra portion and how i should not have to and then i was told that i could choose and extra scoop of either one, or the other carb option. Now to me, that was not a choice. I come back to what i said above: choosing between one kind of pain and another kind of pain is no choice at all. Would you rather be beaten with a whip or a belt? Where's the choice in that? So the tears rolled down my eyes, i turned my face away from said staff member and got annoyed when she talked about me being supported by the others around that table. I didn't want support. I just wanted to not have an extra portion. How many different ways can i say that?
I saw this was going nowhere fast so i chose the lesser of the two evils, as i saw it. Wrong move. It freaked me out even more and i was annoyed that i had to eat this monster of a lunch. I spent the first 15 minutes sprinkling salt over the food and mixing it in, hoping that somehow, this process would magically make the food disappear. For any of you thinking of following my lead, i can CONFIRM that this WILL NOT make your food disappear. Worse still the food gets colder making the whole process more unbearable.
When i became bored of this, i put my fork and knife down, bowed my head and watched the food grow before my eyes. I did not know this was what was happening till staff member pointed this out to me later on. Anyway, the staff member convinced me to return to the table after i said that i could not eat anything and that maybe it would be best for me to leave for the day. It was such a strange experience. I was still like a statue and couldn't pick up even a forkful of food. The other participants also helped me get over the fear of how much food i would have to eat by telling me not to worry about what might happen later on, which was my fear, and to stay focused on what i had to do in that moment.
I was glad i had their help but later on, once the day was over, i had to do 'pennance' for having eaten the devil's poison. I walked for hours just to get rid of the feeling of food inside of me and in order to drain myself of my emotions. It worked. By the time i had finished walking, i was so tired that i had no energy for tears and no space for anger. Of course i know this is all the ED ordering me about but i didn't know how else to deal with the situation. I was so angry that i had eaten that food, i felt as though i had let myself that, that i was not honouring my word to myself that i would not eat it. I hated myself for giving in and eating it. aaaarrrggghhhh.
I hate this ED. No amount of intelligence in the world saves me from it. The more i know, the more i am struck by how powerless i feel against it.It's like you can see the tidal wave about to hit but you are frozen on the spot.
Anyway, today was a lot better. I struggled a little with food and i am not sure why. It took a while to finish it. But overall, the group sessions were cool and i laughed a lot. I felt a lot more at ease after lunch, even with the knowledge of that food inside of me.
I did notice today that the new fear is that of what i ought to do once i feel the slight pangs of hunger in the late afternoon. Of course, another ED command is that i must binge and purge everyday. It tells me that i need to. I believe this lie so i end up bingeing and purging at least once a day if not more. I know this is a lie, that i don't need to. But i am not sure what to do when i feel hungry after the programme because my fear is always that i can only eat in an uncontrolled manner. Even though i have proven this not to be the case in the past, i still cannot detach myself from the all or nothing perception of food. Either i eat nothing, or i eat everything. Hmm. Something to work on next week perhaps.
Tonight was not good because i had serious shakes after purging which i think means that my blood sugar is low. Not good but i was kind to myself and gave myself some sugary drink. The last thing i want is to end up collapsing.
Not an inspiring end to this post but i feel a little down tonight. One of the therapists thought it was good that i was able to understand why i do disordered things in relation to food like overexercising or purging. But i just think it makes me feel more powerless. Like i know why i do it and how bad i feel later and yet i keep maintain that cycle. I just want to it to end now. Rome was not built in a day. I know. But when i think of Rome, i think of the final product. I don't know about the ocean of blood, sweat and tears which went into building Rome. No-one does. All we see is the final product. And that is what i wish for. The final product. Recovery. Not partial recovery, manageable ED or any of that. I lived like that for over 10 years. With a manageable ED. But it does at some stage get out of control. And that is where i find myself today. With and out of control ED, wondering when and if this will all end peacefully.
Goodnight.
- i have to do some form of exercise 6 times a week
- if i have had a hard day at the ED office, i have to walk it off. But not just a short walk, i have to walk many kilometres to get rid of any negative feelings i have from the fact of eating.
- at the weekend, i have to binge and purge or exercise in the morning. If i fail to exercise when i have planned to, then i have to binge and purge as punishment. Since when was pain or pain a choice?
- i have to feel bad for eating food which is out of my control in terms of portion size (so today was a particularly tough day - i will explain more later).
You get the picture. You get my drift. There are many have to's in the ED world. Even God Himself doesn't give us have to's. He gives us a choice. And yes, there are sometimes negative consequences when we make the wrong choice but at least we have a choice.
I think i am writing this just to acknowledge the fact that the ED is a bitch, a bastard, a dictator, an autocrat/a despot and every other thing i hate. It essentially robs us of choice. If only we would use every inch of assertiveness that we have within us to just tell it to fuck off. (Please forgive the profanity).
So yesterday, the have to which made my day a tough one was this:
If you eat the lunch which is in front of you, you have to pay for it. And pay for it i did. I walked for a couple of hours and then made sure that i binged and purged when i returned home, even though my usual hunger precursor was non-existent. The story goes a little something like this:
I was kind of looking forward to lunch. It was not necessarily about the food but i was just looking forward to being with others, eating around the table and maybe challenging myself with the food (the latter shows just how crazy i am). Anyway, when it came to dishing out my portion, i was told to take double of the carb option which freaked me out because a single portion seemed more than enough for me. Added to that the protein and the vegetables which i was about to choose, my plate seemed mountainous. The plates we use are large and i think that heightens my sense of freakoutedness (invented word. i know. sue me!!!!!)
And so i spent a few minutes with the staff debating why i needed an extra portion and how i should not have to and then i was told that i could choose and extra scoop of either one, or the other carb option. Now to me, that was not a choice. I come back to what i said above: choosing between one kind of pain and another kind of pain is no choice at all. Would you rather be beaten with a whip or a belt? Where's the choice in that? So the tears rolled down my eyes, i turned my face away from said staff member and got annoyed when she talked about me being supported by the others around that table. I didn't want support. I just wanted to not have an extra portion. How many different ways can i say that?
I saw this was going nowhere fast so i chose the lesser of the two evils, as i saw it. Wrong move. It freaked me out even more and i was annoyed that i had to eat this monster of a lunch. I spent the first 15 minutes sprinkling salt over the food and mixing it in, hoping that somehow, this process would magically make the food disappear. For any of you thinking of following my lead, i can CONFIRM that this WILL NOT make your food disappear. Worse still the food gets colder making the whole process more unbearable.
When i became bored of this, i put my fork and knife down, bowed my head and watched the food grow before my eyes. I did not know this was what was happening till staff member pointed this out to me later on. Anyway, the staff member convinced me to return to the table after i said that i could not eat anything and that maybe it would be best for me to leave for the day. It was such a strange experience. I was still like a statue and couldn't pick up even a forkful of food. The other participants also helped me get over the fear of how much food i would have to eat by telling me not to worry about what might happen later on, which was my fear, and to stay focused on what i had to do in that moment.
I was glad i had their help but later on, once the day was over, i had to do 'pennance' for having eaten the devil's poison. I walked for hours just to get rid of the feeling of food inside of me and in order to drain myself of my emotions. It worked. By the time i had finished walking, i was so tired that i had no energy for tears and no space for anger. Of course i know this is all the ED ordering me about but i didn't know how else to deal with the situation. I was so angry that i had eaten that food, i felt as though i had let myself that, that i was not honouring my word to myself that i would not eat it. I hated myself for giving in and eating it. aaaarrrggghhhh.
I hate this ED. No amount of intelligence in the world saves me from it. The more i know, the more i am struck by how powerless i feel against it.It's like you can see the tidal wave about to hit but you are frozen on the spot.
Anyway, today was a lot better. I struggled a little with food and i am not sure why. It took a while to finish it. But overall, the group sessions were cool and i laughed a lot. I felt a lot more at ease after lunch, even with the knowledge of that food inside of me.
I did notice today that the new fear is that of what i ought to do once i feel the slight pangs of hunger in the late afternoon. Of course, another ED command is that i must binge and purge everyday. It tells me that i need to. I believe this lie so i end up bingeing and purging at least once a day if not more. I know this is a lie, that i don't need to. But i am not sure what to do when i feel hungry after the programme because my fear is always that i can only eat in an uncontrolled manner. Even though i have proven this not to be the case in the past, i still cannot detach myself from the all or nothing perception of food. Either i eat nothing, or i eat everything. Hmm. Something to work on next week perhaps.
Tonight was not good because i had serious shakes after purging which i think means that my blood sugar is low. Not good but i was kind to myself and gave myself some sugary drink. The last thing i want is to end up collapsing.
Not an inspiring end to this post but i feel a little down tonight. One of the therapists thought it was good that i was able to understand why i do disordered things in relation to food like overexercising or purging. But i just think it makes me feel more powerless. Like i know why i do it and how bad i feel later and yet i keep maintain that cycle. I just want to it to end now. Rome was not built in a day. I know. But when i think of Rome, i think of the final product. I don't know about the ocean of blood, sweat and tears which went into building Rome. No-one does. All we see is the final product. And that is what i wish for. The final product. Recovery. Not partial recovery, manageable ED or any of that. I lived like that for over 10 years. With a manageable ED. But it does at some stage get out of control. And that is where i find myself today. With and out of control ED, wondering when and if this will all end peacefully.
Goodnight.
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