Saturday, 16 July 2011

It's been a long time..........

I shouldna left you without a dope beat to step to (as Timberland would have said).

Sometimes i sleep with the problem and wake with the answer. It comes to me in the dead of the night. When all around is hounded into silence by darkness. When all living creatures retire from nightmares which envelope them during the daytime and long once more for those experiences which make waking up such a pleasurable moment.

For me, that nightmare continues to remain the ED. And yet these days, i find pleasure in the simple act of waking because hope comes a calling every morning. It coos sweet nothings in my ear every morning and pulls me out of my bed. It beckons me towards life each morning. I think it's worth it.

This time a year ago, i didn't think it was worth it. And some days, i feel no closer to healing but i know that i have a least taken a few tentavie steps towards it. I had such an awful day yesterday, swimming in the murky waters of disordered eating. And i went to bed yesterday to escape further misadventures in the world of ED. I was looking for the answer. The problem being how do i move forward with my eating. At the moment and for the past 2 weeks, i have only allowed myself to keep in fruit. And the odd sweet treat. The ability to keep in savoury food continues to allude me.

And then i woke with the solution dangling above my head. Ask a member of my close family to seat with me through one of these meals i so dread. Try this continuously until you are able to deal with doing it alone. So i have scheduled a meeting with said family member in order to bring this to fruition.

In the meantime, i continue to avoid food like the plague. Unless of course i know that i am going to have the option to purge available to me afterwards.

I am glad to be writing again. I forget the power of words and strength of a man or a woman with a pen in the their hands. It's like wielding a sword i tell ya.

Recently, i started reading again and feel so grateful that after a year and a half of strong depression, my mind is slowly allowing me to focus on other things. In fact, the reason i am writing now is because i wanted to take my mind off thoughts of food. It has worked for long enough for me to be able to put this post down.

I thank anyone who reads this for lending their eyes to my words.

I bid you all farewell for mow.

Suffice to say, i am no longer receiving any kind of treatment so this is really my only 'safe' option in terms of releasing my feelings.