Saturday, 16 July 2011

It's been a long time..........

I shouldna left you without a dope beat to step to (as Timberland would have said).

Sometimes i sleep with the problem and wake with the answer. It comes to me in the dead of the night. When all around is hounded into silence by darkness. When all living creatures retire from nightmares which envelope them during the daytime and long once more for those experiences which make waking up such a pleasurable moment.

For me, that nightmare continues to remain the ED. And yet these days, i find pleasure in the simple act of waking because hope comes a calling every morning. It coos sweet nothings in my ear every morning and pulls me out of my bed. It beckons me towards life each morning. I think it's worth it.

This time a year ago, i didn't think it was worth it. And some days, i feel no closer to healing but i know that i have a least taken a few tentavie steps towards it. I had such an awful day yesterday, swimming in the murky waters of disordered eating. And i went to bed yesterday to escape further misadventures in the world of ED. I was looking for the answer. The problem being how do i move forward with my eating. At the moment and for the past 2 weeks, i have only allowed myself to keep in fruit. And the odd sweet treat. The ability to keep in savoury food continues to allude me.

And then i woke with the solution dangling above my head. Ask a member of my close family to seat with me through one of these meals i so dread. Try this continuously until you are able to deal with doing it alone. So i have scheduled a meeting with said family member in order to bring this to fruition.

In the meantime, i continue to avoid food like the plague. Unless of course i know that i am going to have the option to purge available to me afterwards.

I am glad to be writing again. I forget the power of words and strength of a man or a woman with a pen in the their hands. It's like wielding a sword i tell ya.

Recently, i started reading again and feel so grateful that after a year and a half of strong depression, my mind is slowly allowing me to focus on other things. In fact, the reason i am writing now is because i wanted to take my mind off thoughts of food. It has worked for long enough for me to be able to put this post down.

I thank anyone who reads this for lending their eyes to my words.

I bid you all farewell for mow.

Suffice to say, i am no longer receiving any kind of treatment so this is really my only 'safe' option in terms of releasing my feelings.


Monday, 28 February 2011

You know you're in trouble with the ED when.........

  • Your mind is filled with nothing else but thoughts of food
  • You plan your day around the ED (for me, that's b/p)
  • It seems like the clouds are within touching distance. It's almost as though they are lowering themselves, in preparation for pressing down on you.
  • You begin to wonder whether life has any purpose, meaning, because your sole raison d'etre seems to be the ED.
  • You cannot work, read, eat, sleep, think straight, hold a conversation for a reasonable amount of time, function because your ED is so dominant. It's constantly calling you.
  • Your passions have fallen by the wayside because your only passion is feeding your ED and watching as that which you consume finally consumes you.
  • Death begins to seem quite alluring because you are no longer able to live a reasonable life.
  • You are throwing money at the ED (buying food) as though you were about to head to the gallows.
  • Those who are supposed to help tell you to come back when you are ready to 'do the work' (of putting on weight).

I'm in trouble.

Sunday, 13 February 2011


Good morning, afternoon or evening to you all. Wherever you are reading from. Morning my end.

Well, it's been a very long time and it feels good to write again. I was surprised to come on and see 10 followers. Yay!!!!!!! Welcome to you all.

I am reaching the end of my 'treatment' and don't know how to describe my journey Rollercoaster would be too simplistic, emotional would leave out everything else in between.

Maybe i will settle for enriching. Because in spite of all the ups and downs of it and the emotion, i stil fill enriched. Blessed and privileged to have spent months with fantastic women who all struggle with eating disorders and therefore seem to speak the same language as me. How i wish we did not speak the language of ED's. I have learnt a lot. Benefited from the expertise of others and the compassion of others.

And yet this post is tinged with sadness because i am ending my time in treatment on a very disappointing note. Firstly, i am disappointed with the way in which my time has been cut short and secondly, i am disappointed that this bitter ending has resulted in the ED once again rearing it's ugly head. I am filled with anger and frustration about the way in which my treatment has been curtailed but i am also glad that i am no longer under pressure to put on weight on a weekly basis and glad that i will no longer have to sit through another difficult meal in the treatment centre.

At the end of my treatment, i feel no better than i did at the start, to some extent and yet when i look back on my time, i know that i have improved, to some extent. In the following ways:

1) I no longer wake up with the sole aim of spending my days bingeing and purging.
2) I see a future of some sort in front of me. It's hazy but at least there's a glimmer of something.
3) I have fallen back in love with things which used to fill me with joy: nature and literature
4) I am abe to speak with more clarity about the way i feel and about the ED

But there is so much more to do and i feel like i will have to do this alone, albeit with the help of some therapy:

1) I still need to learn to include people in my recovery journey.
2) I need to learn to eat: unfortunately, treatment seemed to reinforce rather than break my negative eating habits in so far as lunch was so big (in terms of portion) that i became convinced that the amount i was eating was wrong. I don't feel that i will ever be comfortable with large portions but who knows......
3) I need to let go of my desire to hang onto this low weight (unfortunately, or fortunately for my ED mind, my weight is still quite low and i have strong desires to lower my weight, to undo the effects of treatment because the way my treatment was ended makes me feel that those who are supposed to be looking out for my welfare, are not really doing that. I feel mistrustful of a lot of the process so i want to undo any weight i gained and start gaining weight for myself, by myself). I know that a lot of this is ED speak, ED anger I recognise it as that but i still have this desire.

So. Where does that leave me??? Still out of work, still without a clear purpose in life, still struggling from time to time with thoughts of not wanting to continue with this life. But the difference is that at times, there is hope. And if that eternal flame of hope can continue to burn within the hearts of men, then life still holds an appeal.

I plan to write more, since i will have more free time on my hands. But for now, i bid you all farewell.


Tuesday, 26 October 2010

8 weeks in and this is where i find myself....

So, dearest followers, i would like to send you a brief update about my progress (or lack thereof) after 8 weeks of DP.

I am not sure how much progress i have made in terms of overcoming the ED and sometimes, it makes me think that the problem is ME. Big ol' me. Not literally. Whenever i sense something is not going well, i always try to look externally and not internally. Because the programme works for some people. Some people leave, having made great strides in terms of overcoming the ED. Some leave with a worrying level of 'recovery'. Still unable to eat regular meals, still trying to dodge meals. I don't want to settle for partial recovery.

But i do accept that i may ened up leaving the programme with partial recovery. If it took me more than a decade to get to where i am, how can i expect the departure of the ED with barely a whimper. It's not possible, i tell you. Or maybe it is. So, i return to my assessment of me in DP.

1) I am still on the side of the ED. This is clear from the fact that each opportunity i get to throw up after leaving DP, i do. Of course, i still stuck to my one goal of never purging when i am in DP and i am proud of myself for sticking to that. But then, i never thought that would be my greatest challenge anyway. But i do find that i am trying to make up for lost opportunity at the weekends and sometimes in the evening and i am trying to 'undo the damage' i have done by eating during the hours of the programme.
2) My motivation levels in terms of recovery are waning and to begin with, it was not that strong. There was a time when i had the greatest motivation to overcome the ED. That was mainly because it was killing me. Mentally, more than physically. I was having all sorts of crazy thoughts (which i now recognise as clear signs of serious depression). So, i decided to trade the ED in for sanity, even if that meant eating 3 times a day. And eat, i did. I ate the same thing, 3 times a day, and did not throw up, no matter how much i felt the urge. I decided that i would allow my weight to settle at whatever it wanted to. Whatever God had deemed it right to settle at. But i do now realise that i was not having enough calories, hence some weight loss, whih eventually beame slightly addictive and led to my urrent descent into anorexia. In part. The depression was the other thing which led me to return to purging. So, basically, i am not as motivated to recover.
3) I have not been totally honest with those close to me about how entrenched this ED is at present. I don't tell them about how frequent the purging still is, in spite of DP. I don't tell them about how devious i am about the binging and subsequent purging. Of course, i am still on the side of the ED. That's clear from my devious ways. However, i am also cautiou about telling them everything and having them monitor me like hawks and then me taking every opportunity i can, when they are not there, to then purge.
4) I want to do it my own way, in my own time, but who knows if i have time on my hands with this ED. Although, i am at an anorexic weight, and my electrolytes are out of balance at the best of times, somewhere in me, i still reckon i am okay. Like i don't really have that much of a problem. I am taking liberties with my body, and mind to a great extent. And both continue to tolerate it. For the time being. So really, i should just ask for inpatient so that i can get a grip on behaviours. But, i would never hand over such control. I want to decide how and when i put on weight. I want to determine the pace and the course of my own recovery. Hmmm. Not sure what else to say on this one.
5) Finally, i fell like me and the ED are 1 at the moment. Like i am on its side and it is on mine. I cannot seem to separate us at the moment. I know that say that learning to do this is essential in recovery. So if i am not able to do this now, when i have been able to do it in the past, does that mean that i am further from recovery than i would care to admit???

I don't know if i have much else to say. I am scared that i have missed the 'romantic boat' and that i won't find a partner. Spouse. I really want to have kids and that seems to be one of the few things which turns my mind seriously to recovery again. Not even the creative things which i am interested in. But more the thought of having kids. Hmm.

I am all written out.

I have been on automatic since the end of last week and this is the first time that i am collecting my thoughts. Shame that i could not bring a bunch of roses to the cyber table. Feels like i am gathering weeds at the moment.

I'm out.

I hope all of you are well. I wish you good health and wealth.

Thank you for subscribing.


Sunday, 10 October 2010

The Things I Learnt This Week/Food Boredom

Hmm. It was certainly a week of highs and lows. Such is recovery. Such is life.

The start and end of the week reigned supremely low and somewhere in between, my jovial self returned like the prodigal son (or should that be daughter?) - unsure about whether i had the right to laugh, to enjoy myself, to engage in dialogue once again.

Before i carry on, i must list the things which i learnt this week and which have carried me through this weekend to some extent:

1) Body checking keeps us entrenched in disordered behaviours. I have now given myself a 10 second rule whenever i do find myself body checking.
2) It is okay to be full and feel full. (I am still struggling with this)
3) In order to move forward in recovery, at some point, you WILL have to change something. You cannot produce different results if you are consistently engaging in the same behaviours (not just ED behaviours).
4) The things we place value on are sometimes the things we are most loathe to change. These things do not always need to be changed but where they are damaging for us (like placing value on being slim, lean) then we must look at the root of why we value these things and then consider whether we ought to place such a high calue on them.
5) If there are areas in your life in which you are flexible, consider why and see if you can export some of these thought patterns into the ED. For me, i am laid back when it comes to things which i feel are out of my control because i consider that since there is not much i can do about it, it will be okay. I need to adopt the same attitude to recovery. If and when i gain weight, it will be okay. Even if i am not at the ideal weight i have in my mind, life does not stop. It will be OKAY. It is okay to be okay.
6) If you give up at the point at which you are most challenged, then you risk never moving forward in life. Never discovering new things, people, places, ideas etc.
7) The world is such a bigger place when we lose all the rigidity we have around food. I get to travel with others freely, be free in the company of others, venture into new territory etc.
8) Although others may not understand what it is like to have an ED, we can still enrol them onto our support network and make requests of them.
9) Just because we cannot rely on the support of others 100% of the time does not mean we should NEVER ask for their support. This is a big one for me. I know that i am worried about what i will do when others are not there to support me so in my mind, i have decided that the best thing for me to do is not ask for their support at all.
10) Whenever you feel yourself being drawn into depressive, anxiety provoking or other negative thoughts, it is important to think about what is at the root of those thoughts. Why are you angry, frustrated, feeling down? What solutions can you find if any for any of the problems you come up with. Sometimes, there are no answers and i am told that is the point at which i need to sit with it (you try sitting on top of a bed of nails, i say and that is what it feels like- but people do it, somehow).
11) I need to take recovery at my pace. I need to do it in a way which does not jeopardise or sabotage my recovery. It is okay for me to do this whilst i still have problems trusting myself around food fully. This is important for me since i struggle with purging so much.

I have encountered a strange problem at DP. I have become utterly bored of eating. So bored in fact, that i have lost all pleasure in food when i am there. This was not previously an issue for me but it has become so in the past week and a half. I am not sure how to remedy this. It means that oftentimes at meals, i am ready to give in and say no more and this is not even about the sensation of fullness because i am not feeling ovedrly full after the first meal. It's just that i get bored of chewing, of the monotony of eating and of the same food. I can only compare it to the boredom of eating a chocolate bar after having eating 10 prior to that. Not saying i have done that but it is the same kind of thing, if you get my drift. Any sugestions???

This weekend is not over yet so i cannot call it my most successful yet but so far, it is going okay. Last night was a catastrophe simply because i had made up my mind to purge. I need to make up my mind to do other more productive things with my evening. Not in an attempt to avoid food completely but as a means of giving myself another focus in the evening. I have not committed to doing that tonight but tonight is a night as good as any other. Hmmm. We'll see.

That's it from me. Sorry this post is not as sparkling as it could be but i guess it is the same with life and recovery. It can't all be razzle dazzle ey.


Monday, 4 October 2010

If Depression were a person

It would be full of anger and frustration.
It would be unable to vocalise either of these emotions.
It would be confused, constantly wondering whether there was a purpose to life.
It would be withdrawn.
It would not have a gender, colour, religion or such a distinguishing feature.
It would be both full and empty simultaneously.
It would be deprived of sunlight.
It would be in a trance for much of the day.
It would not know whether it was coming or going.
It would not enjoy the company of others.
It would not leave the house much.
It would struggle to find creativity and beauty.
It would be lost even with a map.
It would be unable to reminisce.
It would never have known the joy of laughter.
It would be unable to cry even when choked up with tears.
It would be unable to hope for the future.
It would need much but ask little.

If depression were a person, i would be able to distance myself from it.

Sunday, 3 October 2010

How do you shake off a bad mood?

This blog entry does not represent the truth. It is solely my opinion on a given Sunday morning following an awful 3 days. It is not intended to offend, upset, confuse or frustrate any reader.

Feel free to comment at will but please keep it polite.