Saturday, 16 July 2011

It's been a long time..........

I shouldna left you without a dope beat to step to (as Timberland would have said).

Sometimes i sleep with the problem and wake with the answer. It comes to me in the dead of the night. When all around is hounded into silence by darkness. When all living creatures retire from nightmares which envelope them during the daytime and long once more for those experiences which make waking up such a pleasurable moment.

For me, that nightmare continues to remain the ED. And yet these days, i find pleasure in the simple act of waking because hope comes a calling every morning. It coos sweet nothings in my ear every morning and pulls me out of my bed. It beckons me towards life each morning. I think it's worth it.

This time a year ago, i didn't think it was worth it. And some days, i feel no closer to healing but i know that i have a least taken a few tentavie steps towards it. I had such an awful day yesterday, swimming in the murky waters of disordered eating. And i went to bed yesterday to escape further misadventures in the world of ED. I was looking for the answer. The problem being how do i move forward with my eating. At the moment and for the past 2 weeks, i have only allowed myself to keep in fruit. And the odd sweet treat. The ability to keep in savoury food continues to allude me.

And then i woke with the solution dangling above my head. Ask a member of my close family to seat with me through one of these meals i so dread. Try this continuously until you are able to deal with doing it alone. So i have scheduled a meeting with said family member in order to bring this to fruition.

In the meantime, i continue to avoid food like the plague. Unless of course i know that i am going to have the option to purge available to me afterwards.

I am glad to be writing again. I forget the power of words and strength of a man or a woman with a pen in the their hands. It's like wielding a sword i tell ya.

Recently, i started reading again and feel so grateful that after a year and a half of strong depression, my mind is slowly allowing me to focus on other things. In fact, the reason i am writing now is because i wanted to take my mind off thoughts of food. It has worked for long enough for me to be able to put this post down.

I thank anyone who reads this for lending their eyes to my words.

I bid you all farewell for mow.

Suffice to say, i am no longer receiving any kind of treatment so this is really my only 'safe' option in terms of releasing my feelings.


Monday, 28 February 2011

You know you're in trouble with the ED when.........

  • Your mind is filled with nothing else but thoughts of food
  • You plan your day around the ED (for me, that's b/p)
  • It seems like the clouds are within touching distance. It's almost as though they are lowering themselves, in preparation for pressing down on you.
  • You begin to wonder whether life has any purpose, meaning, because your sole raison d'etre seems to be the ED.
  • You cannot work, read, eat, sleep, think straight, hold a conversation for a reasonable amount of time, function because your ED is so dominant. It's constantly calling you.
  • Your passions have fallen by the wayside because your only passion is feeding your ED and watching as that which you consume finally consumes you.
  • Death begins to seem quite alluring because you are no longer able to live a reasonable life.
  • You are throwing money at the ED (buying food) as though you were about to head to the gallows.
  • Those who are supposed to help tell you to come back when you are ready to 'do the work' (of putting on weight).

I'm in trouble.

Sunday, 13 February 2011


Good morning, afternoon or evening to you all. Wherever you are reading from. Morning my end.

Well, it's been a very long time and it feels good to write again. I was surprised to come on and see 10 followers. Yay!!!!!!! Welcome to you all.

I am reaching the end of my 'treatment' and don't know how to describe my journey Rollercoaster would be too simplistic, emotional would leave out everything else in between.

Maybe i will settle for enriching. Because in spite of all the ups and downs of it and the emotion, i stil fill enriched. Blessed and privileged to have spent months with fantastic women who all struggle with eating disorders and therefore seem to speak the same language as me. How i wish we did not speak the language of ED's. I have learnt a lot. Benefited from the expertise of others and the compassion of others.

And yet this post is tinged with sadness because i am ending my time in treatment on a very disappointing note. Firstly, i am disappointed with the way in which my time has been cut short and secondly, i am disappointed that this bitter ending has resulted in the ED once again rearing it's ugly head. I am filled with anger and frustration about the way in which my treatment has been curtailed but i am also glad that i am no longer under pressure to put on weight on a weekly basis and glad that i will no longer have to sit through another difficult meal in the treatment centre.

At the end of my treatment, i feel no better than i did at the start, to some extent and yet when i look back on my time, i know that i have improved, to some extent. In the following ways:

1) I no longer wake up with the sole aim of spending my days bingeing and purging.
2) I see a future of some sort in front of me. It's hazy but at least there's a glimmer of something.
3) I have fallen back in love with things which used to fill me with joy: nature and literature
4) I am abe to speak with more clarity about the way i feel and about the ED

But there is so much more to do and i feel like i will have to do this alone, albeit with the help of some therapy:

1) I still need to learn to include people in my recovery journey.
2) I need to learn to eat: unfortunately, treatment seemed to reinforce rather than break my negative eating habits in so far as lunch was so big (in terms of portion) that i became convinced that the amount i was eating was wrong. I don't feel that i will ever be comfortable with large portions but who knows......
3) I need to let go of my desire to hang onto this low weight (unfortunately, or fortunately for my ED mind, my weight is still quite low and i have strong desires to lower my weight, to undo the effects of treatment because the way my treatment was ended makes me feel that those who are supposed to be looking out for my welfare, are not really doing that. I feel mistrustful of a lot of the process so i want to undo any weight i gained and start gaining weight for myself, by myself). I know that a lot of this is ED speak, ED anger I recognise it as that but i still have this desire.

So. Where does that leave me??? Still out of work, still without a clear purpose in life, still struggling from time to time with thoughts of not wanting to continue with this life. But the difference is that at times, there is hope. And if that eternal flame of hope can continue to burn within the hearts of men, then life still holds an appeal.

I plan to write more, since i will have more free time on my hands. But for now, i bid you all farewell.