So much in here. I am not sure where i will start.
Okay an update of the Day Programme.
Toughest food day: Wednesday. Hated it. Found it tough to make a choice about what to eat. Then when the food did come, it was pretty bland so there was absolutely no enjoyment in it. This angered me no end and i knew i would have to 'make amends' for the fact i had eaten food which was not of my choosing and ingesting food which was not pleasing to me. Exercise the following morning and b/p straight after. I am completely aware that this is not the real me. I, the essence of me and the person i am proud of, was not present in the dialogue i had with myself which led to the conclusion that someone needed to pay for the fact i had just eaten that rubbish. And that person had to be me.
Biggest Progress: Wednesday morning when i let go of my desire to go for a long run and miss breakfast and instead sat down for and hour to write out what was going on in my head and driving my ED instincts. It was such a brilliant piece of writing. It really motivated me to have breakfast that morning. Basically, i discussed why i wanted to exercise rather than just enjoy a leisurely morning. I talked about the fact that for me, weight gain equates to failure and 'other people' winning and me losing. But i managed to find my rational voice and remember that 'they' (whoever they might be: professional in particular) are not the ENEMY. I would have to forego my sense of achievement that i secretly harbour in reaching my lowest weight yet (still not low enough the ED says). Also, not letting go of the ED stops me from tackling other things which i fear. Like the fear of not having a family and the relationships that entails, the fear of creative failure, the fear of growing up and moving on with life etc.
One thing i noticed as i wrote was that the ED works on 'have to's. That means that i have to run, i have to purge, i have to binge, i have to compensate, i have to restrict. The ED does not suggest, it imposes it's will. But in life, there are no have to's. There are simply a series of choices. Am i overanalysing? Probably? Will this process be the quick fix i am after? Breakfast said no. But, i still think it is something i need to be aware of.
Other things were my fear of 'looking recovered' even if i am not recovered in my mind. I would almost rather keep this unrecovered body because then it is obvious that my mind is unrecovered, rather than receive a new and improved recovered body, with an unrecovered mind. Hmmm. I don't want to return to the relative wilderness of bulimia. That is basically what i am saying.
Not recovering is not an option. Even though as i type this out, i am overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions about where i am in this ED madness.
Most challenging day overall: Thursday (today), without a doubt. I know it was a challenging day for others on the Programme for reasons i will not elaborate on. But for me, i found it challenging because i spent so much time dwelling on regrets, i was reminded that i am not 'fertile' at the moment by a professional and one of the other participants (inadvertently) and i also spent a lot of time 'overexercising'. I don't often admit to the latter. So in the morning, my mind was decided that i wanted to pound all my anger into the pavement and nothing was going to stop me. I went ahead. It was a lovely run actually but i did understand that it was not a run that was totally about relaeasing those happy endorphins to combat depression and stress. It was in part about the ED and just pushing my body to the limit. This continued in the afternoon after the programme when i decided to walk miles in order to 'walk off' lunch and shale off the discomfort i was still feeling in my stomach. By the end of the walk, my body was screaming out for mercy and my pace was slower than a snail's. I was very upset that i was reminded on two ocassion as well as by the content of others' conversations that at the moment, having kids is not possible. I would love to say this spurs me on to kick the ED in the butt but unfortunately, in over 15 years of this ED and fewer years of actively trying, i have never been able to rid myself of it once and for all. I was pretty sad by the afternoon, even though lunch had gone relatively well. Sad that i was in the Programme and not out there (wherever there is) living. I was sad that i had allowed myself to get so bad. I hate this body so much sometimes. In some ways, i am more comfortable than ever with my body but in other ways, i hate it because it is an illusion and it is delusionary (is that a word?). This body grants me nothing in this state. I am not saying i want my old body back necessarily but i don't want to enjoy this juvenile body.
Highlight of the day: Thursday afternoon. Beautiful clouds up above inspired a poem. Silence sometimes speaks volumes and i spent much of the day silent (which i have a tendency to do when i am most full (of emotions and thoughts). I enjoyed this. I think it means someone else has to do the talking and sometimes, it allows me to work through my thoughts rather than use conversation to shield me from them.
And with that, i bid you farewell. This post feels very flat to me and i had been summarising the days on paper but it will take too much effort to write it all out.
xx
Showing posts with label Day Programme. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Day Programme. Show all posts
Thursday, 9 September 2010
Saturday, 4 September 2010
The Things They Carried and the Winds of Change
I gave this post the following title for reasons you will discover.
I once read a short story called The Things They Carried. It was about men serving in the Vietnam War and the items they carried with them like letters, ammunition and the intangible things they carried like fear and guilt. For me, i am writing specifically about the intangible things i am carrying today: Regret. I had my final session with my principal therapist yesterday and i still carry many things with me which i chose not to share with her for different reasons. I wrote down some of these things yesterday to help ease the load on my mind and yet i am still troubled by the fact that i felt unable to share them with her. I also felt as if our final session was my worst session with her. It was cold and without feeling and yet i feel a lot. It is as though sometimes you only realise the importance of an event, process or person after that thing has long gone. For me, it is still close enough for me no to regret the things unsaid so i have decided to try to schedule 1 more appointment with her in order to dispense with regret.
For me, motivation is like a strange breeze which blows without warning. Which direction it will come from is unknown, where it will lead is unforseeable but if you are able to catch that breeze, ride on the wings of that breeze, it may just land you closer to recovery than you ever thought possible. And that is where i find myself today. Hoping that i will catch that breeze, looking to the weather forecast to see where i can catch that specific breeze which i need to propel me towards recovery. I have to ask myself why i am least motivated at my lowest ED point ever. I don't know. I was more motivated to recover when my weight was stable and when depression was at its peak. Now that i am not obviously depressed and my weight is at its lowest, i find myself unmotivated.
I am doing something about recovery. I said yes to a day programme which i never thought i would find myself in this time last year. I have always been able to 'Live' with and ED. I paraphrase the word live because to me, i was living. I got to travel, study, work, write, laugh, enjoy simple pleasures whilst having the ED in my pocket or was it the other way round? Was i in ED's pocket. I don't know. But at least i thought i was in control of sorts. I could but b/p away for a few days, cuddle up to restriction and believe that i was in control because to me, there is nothing worse than binging and purging. I would happily choose restriction. The lesser of 2 evils i figured.
And yet was i really living? Was i enjoying the beauty of companionship? Was i sociable or was i living like a hermit/recluse at times? The latter is the answer. I chose to see friends when ED allowed, i attended events as ED allowed and i shunned people when ED dictated. I downright cut people off if ED needed greate attention on any given day. Do i regret the fact that i have never been in a longterm relationship because i chose ED? Yes. Do i regret the state of my relationship with God at present? Yes.
But i am constantly reminded that i cannot rewrite the past. The pen i have only flows from left to right. Not the other way round. All i can do is plan for the future and plan for a future without regrets. Pain is inevitable they say. Suffering is not. Hmmm. I continue to ponder this one. Well, the pain i refer to at present is the pain of recovery which to me translates into the pain of eating, feeling my body grow once more, tolerating emotions i would rather put to one side. I see some of this pain returning as i start day programme on Monday. Am i nervous or anxious? I don't know. I am simply choosing no to think about what Day 1 will bring.
I know that in my mind, i am not planning on reducing the amount i exercise since i consider it healthy. I am not planning on wholeheartedly following the meal plan. Not for calorific reasons but simply because i am fearful of b/p and i am still a control freak. There. I said it. Sue me!!!!!! I think it is important i write this out because i want to go into it motivated to change and i want to go willing to do all they ask of me and i want to succeed/not please. I want to RECOVER. But am i willing to totally trust the professionals? No. Why? Because a part of me feels that they are the ones that got me into this mess in the first place. Another part of me thinks they simply want me to put the weight back on so i can be considered 'better'. I am stubborn to a fault. I admit that. I would rather be a low weight bulimic than a restored weight bulimic. There i said it. In their opinion, i am considered AN. In mine, i give a wry smile because i simply consider myself a very successful bulimic with all the irony that engenders. How can you be successful at having an ED??? Hellooooo!!!!!!!!!! Well clearly, i consider 'success' the fact that i can maintain a low weight and still eat all i want. Is that messed up? Yes. Is that the real me talking? Of course not. The real me knows that success is a life without an ED. Success means subtracting the ED from me. Hmmmm.
Well, here's to Monday. We'll see what their kind of recovery brings.
I want to say finally that i have been inspired greatly by the blog of Now is Now who gave a frank account of her time in a Day Programme in the US. I am based in Europe and want to give an account not the account, of what a Day Programme is like in one of Europe's greatest cities (in my humble opinion).
xx
I once read a short story called The Things They Carried. It was about men serving in the Vietnam War and the items they carried with them like letters, ammunition and the intangible things they carried like fear and guilt. For me, i am writing specifically about the intangible things i am carrying today: Regret. I had my final session with my principal therapist yesterday and i still carry many things with me which i chose not to share with her for different reasons. I wrote down some of these things yesterday to help ease the load on my mind and yet i am still troubled by the fact that i felt unable to share them with her. I also felt as if our final session was my worst session with her. It was cold and without feeling and yet i feel a lot. It is as though sometimes you only realise the importance of an event, process or person after that thing has long gone. For me, it is still close enough for me no to regret the things unsaid so i have decided to try to schedule 1 more appointment with her in order to dispense with regret.
For me, motivation is like a strange breeze which blows without warning. Which direction it will come from is unknown, where it will lead is unforseeable but if you are able to catch that breeze, ride on the wings of that breeze, it may just land you closer to recovery than you ever thought possible. And that is where i find myself today. Hoping that i will catch that breeze, looking to the weather forecast to see where i can catch that specific breeze which i need to propel me towards recovery. I have to ask myself why i am least motivated at my lowest ED point ever. I don't know. I was more motivated to recover when my weight was stable and when depression was at its peak. Now that i am not obviously depressed and my weight is at its lowest, i find myself unmotivated.
I am doing something about recovery. I said yes to a day programme which i never thought i would find myself in this time last year. I have always been able to 'Live' with and ED. I paraphrase the word live because to me, i was living. I got to travel, study, work, write, laugh, enjoy simple pleasures whilst having the ED in my pocket or was it the other way round? Was i in ED's pocket. I don't know. But at least i thought i was in control of sorts. I could but b/p away for a few days, cuddle up to restriction and believe that i was in control because to me, there is nothing worse than binging and purging. I would happily choose restriction. The lesser of 2 evils i figured.
And yet was i really living? Was i enjoying the beauty of companionship? Was i sociable or was i living like a hermit/recluse at times? The latter is the answer. I chose to see friends when ED allowed, i attended events as ED allowed and i shunned people when ED dictated. I downright cut people off if ED needed greate attention on any given day. Do i regret the fact that i have never been in a longterm relationship because i chose ED? Yes. Do i regret the state of my relationship with God at present? Yes.
But i am constantly reminded that i cannot rewrite the past. The pen i have only flows from left to right. Not the other way round. All i can do is plan for the future and plan for a future without regrets. Pain is inevitable they say. Suffering is not. Hmmm. I continue to ponder this one. Well, the pain i refer to at present is the pain of recovery which to me translates into the pain of eating, feeling my body grow once more, tolerating emotions i would rather put to one side. I see some of this pain returning as i start day programme on Monday. Am i nervous or anxious? I don't know. I am simply choosing no to think about what Day 1 will bring.
I know that in my mind, i am not planning on reducing the amount i exercise since i consider it healthy. I am not planning on wholeheartedly following the meal plan. Not for calorific reasons but simply because i am fearful of b/p and i am still a control freak. There. I said it. Sue me!!!!!! I think it is important i write this out because i want to go into it motivated to change and i want to go willing to do all they ask of me and i want to succeed/not please. I want to RECOVER. But am i willing to totally trust the professionals? No. Why? Because a part of me feels that they are the ones that got me into this mess in the first place. Another part of me thinks they simply want me to put the weight back on so i can be considered 'better'. I am stubborn to a fault. I admit that. I would rather be a low weight bulimic than a restored weight bulimic. There i said it. In their opinion, i am considered AN. In mine, i give a wry smile because i simply consider myself a very successful bulimic with all the irony that engenders. How can you be successful at having an ED??? Hellooooo!!!!!!!!!! Well clearly, i consider 'success' the fact that i can maintain a low weight and still eat all i want. Is that messed up? Yes. Is that the real me talking? Of course not. The real me knows that success is a life without an ED. Success means subtracting the ED from me. Hmmmm.
Well, here's to Monday. We'll see what their kind of recovery brings.
I want to say finally that i have been inspired greatly by the blog of Now is Now who gave a frank account of her time in a Day Programme in the US. I am based in Europe and want to give an account not the account, of what a Day Programme is like in one of Europe's greatest cities (in my humble opinion).
xx
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