Thursday, 9 September 2010

On Regrets, 'Looking Recovered Even if you're not Recovered' and Facing my demons

So much in here. I am not sure where i will start.

Okay an update of the Day Programme.
Toughest food day: Wednesday. Hated it. Found it tough to make a choice about what to eat. Then when the food did come, it was pretty bland so there was absolutely no enjoyment in it. This angered me no end and i knew i would have to 'make amends' for the fact i had eaten food which was not of my choosing and ingesting food which was not pleasing to me. Exercise the following morning and b/p straight after. I am completely aware that this is not the real me. I, the essence of me and the person i am proud of, was not present in the dialogue i had with myself which led to the conclusion that someone needed to pay for the fact i had just eaten that rubbish. And that person had to be me.

Biggest Progress: Wednesday morning when i let go of my desire to go for a long run and miss breakfast and instead sat down for and hour to write out what was going on in my head and driving my ED instincts. It was such a brilliant piece of writing. It really motivated me to have breakfast that morning. Basically, i discussed why i wanted to exercise rather than just enjoy a leisurely morning. I talked about the fact that for me, weight gain equates to failure and 'other people' winning and me losing. But i managed to find my rational voice and remember that 'they' (whoever they might be: professional in particular) are not the ENEMY. I would have to forego my sense of achievement that i secretly harbour in reaching my lowest weight yet (still not low enough the ED says). Also, not letting go of the ED stops me from tackling other things which i fear. Like the fear of not having a family and the relationships that entails, the fear of creative failure, the fear of growing up and moving on with life etc.

One thing i noticed as i wrote was that the ED works on 'have to's. That means that i have to run, i have to purge, i have to binge, i have to compensate, i have to restrict. The ED does not suggest, it imposes it's will. But in life, there are no have to's. There are simply a series of choices. Am i overanalysing? Probably? Will this process be the quick fix i am after? Breakfast said no. But, i still think it is something i need to be aware of.

Other things were my fear of 'looking recovered' even if i am not recovered in my mind. I would almost rather keep this unrecovered body because then it is obvious that my mind is unrecovered, rather than receive a new and improved recovered body, with an unrecovered mind. Hmmm. I don't want to return to the relative wilderness of bulimia. That is basically what i am saying.

Not recovering is not an option. Even though as i type this out, i am overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions about where i am in this ED madness.

Most challenging day overall: Thursday (today), without a doubt. I know it was a challenging day for others on the Programme for reasons i will not elaborate on. But for me, i found it challenging because i spent so much time dwelling on regrets, i was reminded that i am not 'fertile' at the moment by a professional and one of the other participants (inadvertently) and i also spent a lot of time 'overexercising'. I don't often admit to the latter. So in the morning, my mind was decided that i wanted to pound all my anger into the pavement and nothing was going to stop me. I went ahead. It was a lovely run actually but i did understand that it was not a run that was totally about relaeasing those happy endorphins to combat depression and stress. It was in part about the ED and just pushing my body to the limit. This continued in the afternoon after the programme when i decided to walk miles in order to 'walk off' lunch and shale off the discomfort i was still feeling in my stomach. By the end of the walk, my body was screaming out for mercy and my pace was slower than a snail's. I was very upset that i was reminded on two ocassion as well as by the content of others' conversations that at the moment, having kids is not possible. I would love to say this spurs me on to kick the ED in the butt but unfortunately, in over 15 years of this ED and fewer years of actively trying, i have never been able to rid myself of it once and for all. I was pretty sad by the afternoon, even though lunch had gone relatively well. Sad that i was in the Programme and not out there (wherever there is) living. I was sad that i had allowed myself to get so bad. I hate this body so much sometimes. In some ways, i am more comfortable than ever with my body but in other ways, i hate it because it is an illusion and it is delusionary (is that a word?). This body grants me nothing in this state. I am not saying i want my old body back necessarily but i don't want to enjoy this juvenile body.

Highlight of the day: Thursday afternoon. Beautiful clouds up above inspired a poem. Silence sometimes speaks volumes and i spent much of the day silent (which i have a tendency to do when i am most full (of emotions and thoughts). I enjoyed this. I think it means someone else has to do the talking and sometimes, it allows me to work through my thoughts rather than use conversation to shield me from them.

And with that, i bid you farewell. This post feels very flat to me and i had been summarising the days on paper but it will take too much effort to write it all out.


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