Tuesday, 26 October 2010

8 weeks in and this is where i find myself....

So, dearest followers, i would like to send you a brief update about my progress (or lack thereof) after 8 weeks of DP.

I am not sure how much progress i have made in terms of overcoming the ED and sometimes, it makes me think that the problem is ME. Big ol' me. Not literally. Whenever i sense something is not going well, i always try to look externally and not internally. Because the programme works for some people. Some people leave, having made great strides in terms of overcoming the ED. Some leave with a worrying level of 'recovery'. Still unable to eat regular meals, still trying to dodge meals. I don't want to settle for partial recovery.

But i do accept that i may ened up leaving the programme with partial recovery. If it took me more than a decade to get to where i am, how can i expect the departure of the ED with barely a whimper. It's not possible, i tell you. Or maybe it is. So, i return to my assessment of me in DP.

1) I am still on the side of the ED. This is clear from the fact that each opportunity i get to throw up after leaving DP, i do. Of course, i still stuck to my one goal of never purging when i am in DP and i am proud of myself for sticking to that. But then, i never thought that would be my greatest challenge anyway. But i do find that i am trying to make up for lost opportunity at the weekends and sometimes in the evening and i am trying to 'undo the damage' i have done by eating during the hours of the programme.
2) My motivation levels in terms of recovery are waning and to begin with, it was not that strong. There was a time when i had the greatest motivation to overcome the ED. That was mainly because it was killing me. Mentally, more than physically. I was having all sorts of crazy thoughts (which i now recognise as clear signs of serious depression). So, i decided to trade the ED in for sanity, even if that meant eating 3 times a day. And eat, i did. I ate the same thing, 3 times a day, and did not throw up, no matter how much i felt the urge. I decided that i would allow my weight to settle at whatever it wanted to. Whatever God had deemed it right to settle at. But i do now realise that i was not having enough calories, hence some weight loss, whih eventually beame slightly addictive and led to my urrent descent into anorexia. In part. The depression was the other thing which led me to return to purging. So, basically, i am not as motivated to recover.
3) I have not been totally honest with those close to me about how entrenched this ED is at present. I don't tell them about how frequent the purging still is, in spite of DP. I don't tell them about how devious i am about the binging and subsequent purging. Of course, i am still on the side of the ED. That's clear from my devious ways. However, i am also cautiou about telling them everything and having them monitor me like hawks and then me taking every opportunity i can, when they are not there, to then purge.
4) I want to do it my own way, in my own time, but who knows if i have time on my hands with this ED. Although, i am at an anorexic weight, and my electrolytes are out of balance at the best of times, somewhere in me, i still reckon i am okay. Like i don't really have that much of a problem. I am taking liberties with my body, and mind to a great extent. And both continue to tolerate it. For the time being. So really, i should just ask for inpatient so that i can get a grip on behaviours. But, i would never hand over such control. I want to decide how and when i put on weight. I want to determine the pace and the course of my own recovery. Hmmm. Not sure what else to say on this one.
5) Finally, i fell like me and the ED are 1 at the moment. Like i am on its side and it is on mine. I cannot seem to separate us at the moment. I know that say that learning to do this is essential in recovery. So if i am not able to do this now, when i have been able to do it in the past, does that mean that i am further from recovery than i would care to admit???

I don't know if i have much else to say. I am scared that i have missed the 'romantic boat' and that i won't find a partner. Spouse. I really want to have kids and that seems to be one of the few things which turns my mind seriously to recovery again. Not even the creative things which i am interested in. But more the thought of having kids. Hmm.

I am all written out.

I have been on automatic since the end of last week and this is the first time that i am collecting my thoughts. Shame that i could not bring a bunch of roses to the cyber table. Feels like i am gathering weeds at the moment.

I'm out.

I hope all of you are well. I wish you good health and wealth.

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