Sunday, 3 October 2010

How do you shake off a bad mood?

This blog entry does not represent the truth. It is solely my opinion on a given Sunday morning following an awful 3 days. It is not intended to offend, upset, confuse or frustrate any reader.

Feel free to comment at will but please keep it polite.

So. How do you shake off a bad mood?

Probably by getting to the root of why you are in such a bad mood. There you go. Question answered. Entry completed.

No. Hold up. Wait a minute.

I have been in an awful mood since Thursday. The morning at DP was quite pleasant. The weather was stunning and so was i. It's funny how much of a difference a good outfit makes. I felt as bright in mood as the top i was wearing. But somewhere around lunchtime, this all changed. In part, i think that it started the day before when i realised that we would not be having lunch in the same way as we normally did. I knew that i would find this especially difficult since i was also required to eat out that evening. Doubly challenging.

And then when i did choose my meal that afternoon at DP, it all seemed too much. Overwhelming. Then i had a problem with finding something in my food which should not have been there but knowing that i still had to eat it all. And i ate that food. Every single morsel, with anger invading every pore in my skin. I ate in anger. And then it went downhill from there. I lost my voice thereafter and found myself unable to say much for the rest of that day and the day after.

It continued the following day and i ended up leaving DP early because i could not take it anymore. Every inch of me wanted to scream and shout and tell the staff to stop patronising me (even though i am not sure they were). I was so angry and i knew i was because i could not talk and worse still, i felt full as lunch approached.

So what was i angry about: everything and nothing.

I was angry that we are constantly told that the ED is not about food but then we have to eat these sometimes huge lunches which leave me feeling too full.
I was angry that my only options that day were to leave or purge straight after lunch and since i have made the latter not an option, i had to leave.
I was angry that portion sizes were large and that since i was last to choose i was left with the biggest portion.
I was angry that we sit around a table having 'normal' conversations when nothing about any of this is normal.
I was angry that we are told on one hand that this disorder is an 'illness' and yet on the other hand, we are told and made aware of the fact that we have a choice in this. I can choose to eat this meal or not. I can choose to purge or not. So in essence, this ED, is for me (i emphasize 'for me' because i do not wish to offend anyone who considers it an illness) a choice. Am i mentally ill? Am i physically ill? What the fuck is it? I don't even see myself as ill but the more they keep talking about 'the illness', the more i start believing some of that shit and i don't want to believe it because it simply is not my truth.
I was annoyed that we sit and talk about fucked up issues as though they are normal. The word normal itself probably isn't normal.
I was annoyed that people were trying to help me around the table because we are born alone and we die alone. When i return home each evening, i am with this ED - alone. Alone with the ED so what is the point in accepting help when i will be alone later on anyway.
I was annoyed that i was in such an awful mood and couldn't shake any of it off.
I was annoyed that i was drawing attention to myself when the truth is, i am not an attention-seeker.
I was annoyed that i was being asked stupid 'therapy-type' questions like: what is going on for you right now? I am not a bloody open book so stop asking me questions. My life story does not belong on a computer somewhere.
I was annoyed that i have been doing this for quite a few weeks now and yet have not managed 1 day without purging - this shit doesn't work.
I was annoyed with all the analysing of this disorder and what we do and  blah, blah, blah.
I was annoyed with all the self-pity that goes on (i am part of this) and how we make this such a big issue when the truth is that we are the ones fucking up our own lives. There are others in a worse off position than us. If we want to kill ourselves with an ED, then so be it. Let us get on with it. (No offence intended).
I was annoyed that i didn't quite know which one of these made me annoyed in the first place and what i was most annoyed about.

I wasfuming, steaming mad, and as i bang these words out on the computer, i can still sense the anger. OK. Take a deep breath. I have.

Now, i just wish to clarify 1 or 2 things. I in no way believe that any of the above is 'the truth'. It is simply what i think/thought. It is what comes out when i am angry. It is devoid of compassion and sympathy. It is what anger is: devoid of compassion and sympathy. At the core of me is the believe in compassion. It is something which is at the core of my faith. But somewhere inside me, also rests anger. It is not always there but sometimes it is and when i find myself like this, i can't seem to shake it off. I can't seem to function. I become a closed book and i am incapable of functioning with humanity.


So this weekend, i sat in a pool of doubt and incomprehension:
Should i really be in DP?
Ought my place be offered to someone who will really make use of it?
Should i do what it will take for me to be kicked off?
Should i just walk away from it?
Is this really working and is this what i need?
Should i not be relying on my faith instead of this therapy overdose?
Should i really be around others when i am feeling like this?
Is the solution to immerse myself in life again so that i can shake the ED off? So that it is no longer my focus?
What the heck is going on in my head?
Am i beginning to get depressed again?
How did all of this emerge from 1 bad lunch experience?
Should i go in or not, tomorrow?

And so that is where i am now. Wondering if i should go in tomorrow. Wondering what the point of it is? Wondering whether i am a wimp and i just don't have the staying power. Unable to shake off this atrocious mood.

So i return to my question.

How do you shake off a bad mood?

I bid you all farewell...........................

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