Hmm. It was certainly a week of highs and lows. Such is recovery. Such is life.
The start and end of the week reigned supremely low and somewhere in between, my jovial self returned like the prodigal son (or should that be daughter?) - unsure about whether i had the right to laugh, to enjoy myself, to engage in dialogue once again.
Before i carry on, i must list the things which i learnt this week and which have carried me through this weekend to some extent:
1) Body checking keeps us entrenched in disordered behaviours. I have now given myself a 10 second rule whenever i do find myself body checking.
2) It is okay to be full and feel full. (I am still struggling with this)
3) In order to move forward in recovery, at some point, you WILL have to change something. You cannot produce different results if you are consistently engaging in the same behaviours (not just ED behaviours).
4) The things we place value on are sometimes the things we are most loathe to change. These things do not always need to be changed but where they are damaging for us (like placing value on being slim, lean) then we must look at the root of why we value these things and then consider whether we ought to place such a high calue on them.
5) If there are areas in your life in which you are flexible, consider why and see if you can export some of these thought patterns into the ED. For me, i am laid back when it comes to things which i feel are out of my control because i consider that since there is not much i can do about it, it will be okay. I need to adopt the same attitude to recovery. If and when i gain weight, it will be okay. Even if i am not at the ideal weight i have in my mind, life does not stop. It will be OKAY. It is okay to be okay.
6) If you give up at the point at which you are most challenged, then you risk never moving forward in life. Never discovering new things, people, places, ideas etc.
7) The world is such a bigger place when we lose all the rigidity we have around food. I get to travel with others freely, be free in the company of others, venture into new territory etc.
8) Although others may not understand what it is like to have an ED, we can still enrol them onto our support network and make requests of them.
9) Just because we cannot rely on the support of others 100% of the time does not mean we should NEVER ask for their support. This is a big one for me. I know that i am worried about what i will do when others are not there to support me so in my mind, i have decided that the best thing for me to do is not ask for their support at all.
10) Whenever you feel yourself being drawn into depressive, anxiety provoking or other negative thoughts, it is important to think about what is at the root of those thoughts. Why are you angry, frustrated, feeling down? What solutions can you find if any for any of the problems you come up with. Sometimes, there are no answers and i am told that is the point at which i need to sit with it (you try sitting on top of a bed of nails, i say and that is what it feels like- but people do it, somehow).
11) I need to take recovery at my pace. I need to do it in a way which does not jeopardise or sabotage my recovery. It is okay for me to do this whilst i still have problems trusting myself around food fully. This is important for me since i struggle with purging so much.
I have encountered a strange problem at DP. I have become utterly bored of eating. So bored in fact, that i have lost all pleasure in food when i am there. This was not previously an issue for me but it has become so in the past week and a half. I am not sure how to remedy this. It means that oftentimes at meals, i am ready to give in and say no more and this is not even about the sensation of fullness because i am not feeling ovedrly full after the first meal. It's just that i get bored of chewing, of the monotony of eating and of the same food. I can only compare it to the boredom of eating a chocolate bar after having eating 10 prior to that. Not saying i have done that but it is the same kind of thing, if you get my drift. Any sugestions???
This weekend is not over yet so i cannot call it my most successful yet but so far, it is going okay. Last night was a catastrophe simply because i had made up my mind to purge. I need to make up my mind to do other more productive things with my evening. Not in an attempt to avoid food completely but as a means of giving myself another focus in the evening. I have not committed to doing that tonight but tonight is a night as good as any other. Hmmm. We'll see.
That's it from me. Sorry this post is not as sparkling as it could be but i guess it is the same with life and recovery. It can't all be razzle dazzle ey.