That's what came to me yesterday.
Where is the pot of gold which lies at the recovery end of this ED? Where is the life of unending joy, guaranteed success, a wonderful husband, lovely kids who obey my every command (i promise, i am not a dictator/tress), a wonderful career, a great house, an ability to communicate wonderfully with everyone i come into, a life without anger, frustration, depression etc.
This is the pot of gold i am referring to. And it came to me on one of my walks yesterday that if this pot of gold is not guaranteed, then maybe i ought to stick with the devil i know - the ED. Why should i give the eating disorder up for a Life of Guaranteed Uncertainties?
I guess because that is what life is: a bouquet of uncertainties. This fact is inescapable. And to try to escape it with the certainties which come with an ED (bony/slim body, an emotional catheter, depression, possible death) is akin to NOT LIVING. This would be what it means to choose existing over living. It really is about saying "i choose life - and all that comes along with life" which fortunately or unfortunately includes UNCERTAINTY.
So, back to my pot of gold. Does it exist? Hmmm. I guess that is one of the flowers in that big ol' bouquet of uncertainty. It may exist. It may not. By choosing to live, you risk discovering that there are more withering than thriving flowers. Or, vice-versa. The optimist in me will never die. We can still do something about any flowers that we are not happy with. Take them out, keep them and see how we can still create a beautiful bouquet.
We have some control even in the midst of uncertainty. And even though sometimes it feels that we may be reacting more than acting, the fact still remains, there are some things we can change but there just may be some things we can't. I can't dictate to life or God that i will have a wonderful husband and kids. I can pray for it. Sure. And if it doesn't come, or it doesn't come in the way i expect, what then? Will i choose to wallow in misery or say that i can still be content in spite of.
And i guess that is the note on which i will end this pot of gold post. With a question.
Can i still be content in spite of.............?
Just an update regarding the Day Programme. Today was intense. Wow. I think i left feeling like the ED is so much more complicated than i thought and i don't know how i will ever accept my physical self. I want to. I want to be okay with me just because that is a better way to live than in a constant state of discontentment.
I am still struggling immensely wth the urge to overexercise which i am totally giving into and i am also struggling to recognise the language of my body. When i feel a slight pang of somthing akin to hunger, does that really mean i am hungry even though i had a decent sized lunch a few hours ago, and a snack an hour ago. Much to work on and it has taken a month to get here. I am worried that i need a whole year in DP and not the half a year allocated. Hmm.
Anyway, i will try to take one day at a time and continue reflecting through this blog.
Thank you for lending me your eyes.