Friday, 3 September 2010

Desperately Seeking Me

So strange to be writing a blog. Never thought i would do it and certainly didn't think i would share my journey through recovery in this way. I guess having been inspired by the blogs of many others, i thought it would be a good idea to start my own and see what it inspires/leads to.

So here is a snippet of my story. I have had an ED for over 12 years. Longer than i care to remember in fact and long enough to not remember what normality is/was. Life with ED is now my normality but i am desperately seeking me without this ed and hoping to subtract this ED from my life as though it were a simple mathematical equation. If only life were that easy.

I decided in the middle of last year that i could no longer keep going as i was, trying to fight the ED alone. I guess i chose to jump off the cliff rather than be pushed off in a manner of speaking. The ED was beginning to drive my mind to distraction and hellish places and i decided that whilst i could tolerate the physical symptoms of the ED, my mind no longer could. And with that decision made, i decided to reach out for professional help.

It has been a long time in coming but i am grateful for the support that i am now receiving and yet saddened by the fact that my condition (seemingly) had to deteriorate in order to receive that level of support. If this blog could achieve one thing, i would hope that it would inspire others to reach out for help as early as possible. The wait is not worth it. In fact, it is a costly journey whichever way you look at it.

I don't know what i believe about recovery. Somedays, i think i will get there and on other days, i don't see how i can erase the memory of the ED sufficiently enough for the ED to no longer be a feature in my life but what i am hoping to do is discover a life minus ED.

Final thing: i suffer from an utter and astonishing inability to comunicate my thoughts and feelings directly to those around me. This inevitably leads to quite a lonely existence. I am hemmed in on all sides by people and souls and things and yet i am unable to communicate with them in a way which will reduce the sense of loneliness i have in my head.


More to follow............

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