Sunday, 26 September 2010

On Mood and Openness

I tend to write my title first and then i stray off target and then by the end, i somehow get back to where the title suggested i should be. Let's see if this follows the same pattern.

On Mood:
For someone with an ED, i can imagine that mood is something which fluctuates immensely. Mood can affect motivation. For me, the fact that i have been of low mood for over a year has affected my motivation to recover in strange ways. Initially when i was what i would term 'severely depressed' or of 'very low mood', it made me question what was at the root of it and once i realised that it was the ED, it made me want to fight against the disorder. The reason: i was getting suicidal thoughts/urges/compulsions which at times felt like they were coming from me and at other times, felt as though someone who wanted the end of me was compelling me to essentially, take my own life. I had only once ever had those kind of thoughts and that was during my early teen years. As an adult with an ED, i had never suffered from depression. It was after the entrance of these thoughts into my mind that i realised that the ED was in fact trying to kill me. Sounds dramatic. I know. But that was what it came down to. So i was of very low mood but yet somehow motivated to put things into place to beat the ED and i worked very hard initially to combat the ED. My faith helped me a lot initially and i was able to eat 3 meals a day for a few weeks. But as the weeks went on and old frustrations returned, i turned to the ED as a comforter. My mood was still low and i was still getting a lot of suicidal thoughts but somehow, i started to see the ED as friend and foe. Meaning that my ability to fight it ebbed and flowed.

And so here i am, many months later, wondering where i am at in recovery. My mood is at present: stable. That means that i have no desire to end my life, i am sometimes down with the ED but never suicidal down. What effect does my current mood have on the ED? This is a strange one because i have given in to the ED for the most part. I am not sure if that is to do with my mood or the fact that i feel powerless. Like this thing is more powerful than me and sometimes, the more i fight, the harder i fall when the ED bites back. What i am relying on is the hope that doing the DP (Day Programme) will somehow help me find the motivation that i lost many moons ago. I need to be motivated for recovery or else what is left for me. No-one can desire it for me more than i desire it for myself. And even if they did desire it more than i did for myself, that would not help me recover any quicker.

This weekend has been quite a good one in terms of getting out and about and not sitting at home depressed with an ED but the truth is that the ED has still gone on a rampage. I think that i am trying to return to the time when my ED was manageable. When i could go days without bingeing and purging. When restriction was the order of the day. But in truth, this is no way to live. It will only lead me back down the slippery slope of a full blown ED and all the consequences that engenders: low weight, low mood, sickness, supplements, awkwardness with family, no family of my own, no social life, isolation etc.

So this leads me to my next theme:

On Openness:
I feel that all that is left for me to do now is cling onto any rope i can find and one of those ropes is that of my family. As support. In order to be able to gain support, we have to be open with those whose support we are seeking. Open about our behaviours (as much as we feel able) and open about how they can help us. I did that tonight with a family member and i was really proud of myself. It is important, in my opinion, that we choose carefully. I have done the same with another family member but now i feel anxious around them rather than free and with others, i know that i cannot receive the kind of support i would like from them because their understanding of the ED is skewed. Some think i just need to pull my socks up and that i will recover when i am bored with being at a low weight and not having a life (as i want it), others just keep me in mind when they pray but do not see how they can really help (saddens me, this one), and others, just don't get that i am not yet able to be normal around food so having a conversation with me about foods they like and blah, blah, blah, really is not that helpful. It is not their fault and they really should be able to discuss things freely but i am not yet that strong either. Anyway, choose wisely is what i am getting at.

So, another day of 'feeding' calls out to me like a distant wave. I think i can hear my name.

I'm outta here.


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