Monday, 20 September 2010

On Motivation or Lack Therof

Today in DP (Day Programme), i spent much of my time feeling guilty. Guilty about the fact that i am the least motivated for recovery that i have been in a year. I can recall about 3 different periods of serious motivation to recover from the ED or at least, to end my behaviours. I realised today that leaving behaviours behind still does not mean you are recovered if you are not dealing with underlying issues. I had never thought about it in those terms before. I do feel as though i am learning a lot. But, i feel guilty because i feel that someone who is more motivated, should have been offered my place in DP.

I ate lunch today, knowing that i had not given myself the option of not purging which inevitably meant that i would purge, once i got home. I will at least respect the facilities where i am doing DP and i can pledge never to purge there again. Doing that last week was a big mistake. Pain or not. But that is not what i do. I don't go around purging in public places and once i start doing that, i know that i am really letting the ED win. It is not about the shame of doing that but it is more about the power i give to the ED when i say it is okay to do that. I have purged in public toilets 3 times in the over 10 years i have spent with the ED. I don't want this to be added ammunition in the ED armoury so i choose to make purging in public loos not an option. I fully intend to stick to this one. It makes me more conscious about eating when i am out and about.

I guess the reason i allowed myself to leave open the question of purging or not was because it felt like the only way i could enjoy lunch today. The truth is that i spent the entire weekend restricting and purging so by this morning, i was starving. I was starving last night but i did not want to get out of bed and eat something because i felt that if i did that, then i would invite the ED back in, in the form of purging. It is interesting that for me, purging is not fine but somehow restricting is. So when i was restricting at the weekend, i thought that was allowed but purging brought on guilt. I guess i need to realise that all ED behaviours are counter productive. I think that because purging is what i now struggle most with, it feels as though getting rid of this would solve all my problems but i think i realise that it is just one part of the ED puzzle. Writing this out helps me see things differently.

I really want to speak to someone at DP to tell them about my lack of motivation and whether it is right for me to continue. I am not looking for a way out but for me, i am not doing well at the moment. Some days, i purge less, at the weekends, i purge just as much. I know it has only been a few weeks but truth is, my head is not in the right place and yet i feel that i need to do something. I cannot sit at home waiting for the ED to disappear. I am also worried that they will say that i am not doing well and ask me to leave so i figure it is better to get in there first and sack myself rather than be sacked. Sigh!!!!!!!

I feel very alone with the ED at the moment and don't know how to reach out to others for help except to say lock me in a room with no food and bring me 3 meals and 2 snacks a day. But i am sure this is the quickest path to resentment on my part and on the part of those i am asking for this level of care. Sigh!!!!!

I have been very down since Friday and i know the root of this, in part, is feeling bigger in myself. Like my clothes not fitting as snugly and my face looking a little fuller. I know this is where this started. I thought it was just about jumping on the scales at the weekend, but i now realise it started the day before when i wore an item of clothing which left me feeling huge. So stupid to feel that way considering that the size that i am now wearing is way smaller than my natural size. So why do i end up questioning myself and not the clothes? Why don't i question the fact that i am not wearing the right size for me???

I'm off. I hope anyone reading this is doing a lot better than i am at the moment.


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