Not possible is it? I was reminded of that when i stepped on the scales this morning (that was my first mistake) after a week of not weighing myself and 2 weeks of the Day Programme. Suffice to say, i was not a happy bunny this morning.
It's strange how badly i reacted this morning in comparison to how i reacted last week. This morning, my automatic and mechanical response was to head for the kitchen and try to make myself feel better with some good ol' fashioned bingeing and purging. Oh, that faithful friend of mine. Always there to make me feel worse when i already feel worse. So yes, now i as lie here smothered in ED goodness, i wonder why i ever stepped on those scales and how i will deal with weight gain.
I DON'T WANT IT!!!!!!!!!!
Shout out to all those who want to recover without the inevitable weight gain. (I can hear the applause somewhere in the background).
Okay, time to get real. It is nigh on impossible to recover from an anorexic weight without gaining weight. There, i said it. IMPOSSIBLE. Because, being at an anorexic weight as an adult, is unnatural for most individuals. When i say unnatural, i mean that being at that weight is often as a result of manipulation. Such as starving oneself, purging etc.
I would be a liar if i said that a part of me does not love being at this weight. Herein lie some of the reasons why i prefer being at this weight:
- i feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin
- i think i look better in some clothes at this weight (jeans for instance)
- i feel less preoccupied with how my body looks (i know this sounds strange)
BUT, here lie some of the disadvantages
- some women lose their menstrual cycle meaning childbearing is impossible
- the body begins to disintegrate (bones become more fragile, bruising happens more easily, there is no fat under the skin which is a strange thing to look at, there is no fat in your butt (good for some, horrid for me))
- it draws a lot of negative and curious attention to be at such a low weight (from loved ones and sometimes strangers)
- summer is not as enjoyable since bones are not as attractive to outsiders as they sometimes are to people who are low of weight. This means i spent a lot of summer covering up. Not nice in hot weather.
- people sometimes look incredibly pale, lifeless in the eyes
- maintaining such a low weight is not fun (starving is not fun, purging even less fun, alienating oneself from any event involving food is awful). Basically, being at this weight takes a lot of fun out of living
It is clear that there are many more disadvantages than advantages. But, when i was many kilos higher, i felt very uncomfortable in my body. Recently, i did try to see the positive side of gaining: i get to look like a woman, i won't look like a kid, i get to develop a new sense of self (sounds like bullshit doesn't it?) etc, etc, etc. I guess the strange thing about not being comfortable in one's skin is that when i tried clothes on and they did not fit in a way which i liked, instead of me questioning the clothes, i often questioned myself. Not fitting into clothes made me think that i somehow didn't fit into......????????? society??? That i was somehow abnormal. And yet i know this is not the case. It was pointed out this week to me that many of the fashion designers are gay men. It is interesting to think about how this affects the fashion trends that are out there. I would be curious to hear more thoughts on this one. A lot of clothes seem to celebrate a boyish figure and not a womanly figure. By this, i am not talking about big vs small because even petite women can have an incredibly feminine body. I simply mean that a lot of clothes seem to be made for people of a narrow, straight frame, rather than those with rounder assets as a woman's figure tends towards. Anyway, i think i was writing this because i am looking forward to trying to clothes which celebrate my figure rather than those which make me question my figure. I still want to live a healthy life, eat great food, have a healthy relationship with exercise and be the weight i was intended to be.
But how do i get there when even a small change on the scales (scales are not what we should be using to measure our worth and yet i do that) sends me into an ED frenzy. Hmmm.
Another topic which i want to write about at some point is hunger. What is it? How do we know when we are hungy/when to eat?
Farewell for now.