Thursday, 23 September 2010

Is fear of a relapse keeping me from fighting for recovery?

It's been 3 weeks since i started the DP. And today was a strange day. It was a great day but at the end, i left on a slightly sour note. I just felt a lot of heaviness in the air. Like the ED being all consuming and it adds a bitter taste at the end of every sweet mouthful. It felt like for every great thing that was said, there was a BUT at the end of it and that BUT was the uncertainty which the ED pours into everything. I don't know exactly how to describe it: it's like... i want to do this BUT the ED.... Hmmm

The best thing about this week was the fact that i finally feel comfortable with lunch and snacks. I FEEL OKAY. I don't have the post-lunch urge to purge and furthermore, i am beginning to enjoy lunch and sometimes, i feel as though i could eat a little more. I am so glad for this. It gives me hope of a healthy future. Furthermore, i am thinking about incorporating the DP structure into my weekends so that i am not completely devoted to the ED at the weekends.

My toughest challenge this week: well actually, there are 2.

1) What do i do in the evenings when hunger comesa-callin? I am not sure why i feel so unable to just eat a meal in the evenings and keep it in. I have no idea where to start. Of course, there's lots i have learnt in DP about portion size etc. But (there's that ED BUT again) the same support i get during DP, where we all sit around the table to eat, is exactly what i need but is precisely what is lacking at home for me. Not sure how to move forward from this but this is something i am intending to discuss with a staff member next week.

2) I am not sure if this is a challenge or a cause for concern. I have significantly increased my exercise regime since starting DP. Pretty much doubled it. The intensity has increased as well. I am not a calorie counter or a calorie burning fanatic (no disresepect intended). But, i do always push myself to run further, or walk further or do whatever it is for longer. My current increase was borne out of my desire to avoid purging in the evenings. I end up walking around town with no singular purpose but with a definite destination. I know that the main thing for me is the feeling that i need to walk off the feeling of fulness. Not so much burn calories but walk until i no longer feel so full. Also, i walk to avoid going straight home where i fear purging which will undo all the effort i put into keeping lunch in and which leads to a more chaotic evening of bingeing and purging. A part of me is walking because i feel lazy in DP. I sit, i eat, i sit some more and i eat. I am used to leading an active lifestlye and all the sitting is beginning to annoy me. I am getting used to it but i do feel the need to move more. I am sad that this is now a new sting in the ED tail but i will be honest with staff about this.

I want to be kinder to my body. It has done nothing to harm me and i ought to treat it with more care and compassion.

Some of the things which concern me is how much it seems to be about food. I feel like we don't talk enough about how we feel after meals and snacks and i feel that we need to talk more about how we can be supported. What practical steps can we take? I am also concerned about how much DP is really going to help me. I see others still struggling even though they have been there much longer than i have and i know i ought not to compare but now that i see how it operates, i can see why some still struggle. I know we all have different starting points and maybe they have made loads of progress and i just can't see it because i am new to this. Maybe i am just rambling now. Basically, i am worried this is not going to help me as much as i hope it will.

And so the title now becomes pertinent. I know that a big thing which stops me from fully giving recovery my all is the fear of relapse or the fear of partial rather than full recovery. If i have to live with an ED for the rest of my life (i pray i don't have to), then why bother trying now. Of course that sounds stupid but i might as well get it out there. I can't live a full life with the ED. But no matter what happens, i am still determined to live. ED or NOT. I hope it's a NOT.

Thanks for reading.


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