Wednesday, 15 September 2010

First Step Back/Tough Road Ahead

So for the first time in the Day Programme, i stuffed up - as i consider it. I purged after lunch. No real excuses but i was experiencing severe stomach pain.

I sat during the rest period, trying to summon up the courage to use my voice and shout from my internal prison. I wanted to go to someone and say: i am really struggling, i am in pain, i really want to ease my discomfort. But then i didn't want to 'bother' anyone. I did not want to disturb people who looked busy - the staff. And, i felt like those around me, the others with eds, were mere strangers. I felt i could not confide in them. I felt alone even though i was hemmed in on all sides by people. And afterwards, i felt such relief. I felt better that the pain was no longer, that i would be able to concentrate for the rest of the afternoon and not have to focus on how much food i had inside of me and how much i hated feeling full.

It is such a terrible thing that we do to our bodies when we introduce purging into the mix. When i burp, i feel the food coming up, when i purge many hours later, i still sense food from many hours before. My digestive system is probably as confused as i am at times. What can i say. It is such a fucked up thing to do to oneself and yet the knowledge of this neither empowers me nor liberates me.

That was yesterday.

Today, i was determined to keep the food in and kinda knew i had to. I did not agree to do the day programme so that i could 'cheat' the system and purge after lunch. I agreed to it because i knew i needed extra help. That was why i was honest with a staff member today about what i had done. She appreciated my honesty. I appreciated her understanding. I sensed she kinda suspected it anyway and she confirmed this. I was grateful. I know i have to be honest if i am ever to be liberated.

Today was tough. Lunch was lovely. I really enjoyed it and could probably have eaten more. But then a strange thing happened. Dessert was the usual. Fruit and custard. And i got upset about the fact that i had to eat a little more fruit than normal and that i had to add some juice to it. How stupid is that???????? I almost cried. I kept thinking of the fact that it was extra food and i would feel uncomfortable. I ate it without saying a word and for the next hour, i said nothing. I stood for a little while, closed my eyes for a bit and stuffed all the anger and every other emotion, back inside of me. I wanted to scream and shout and say that: you bastards are violating me, but i couldn't. And, i wouldn't. I would never let them know how much it hurt me to have to keep that son of a bitch food in. That's how angry i felt about it. And yet, i know i need it. I need food. I may not want it, but i need it.

Even afterwards, many hours later, i felt comfortable. My stomach was not overly distended and i was not at all uncomfortable. And yet the only thing i could think was: i need to get control back. I need to binge and purge. Irrational? Yes. Juvenile? Yes. And yet, the real me is none of those things. But the ED me, is.

How do i physically separate myself from it. Will an exorcist please make their way to the front of the crowd. I need some help. The good thing was that i learnt that i can tolerate it somehow. Even if all the while, i was mad and wanted to kill someone and then hurt myself. I am pronbably saying too much but..........

That's all folks......

Final thing: how do you seek support during mealtimes from loved ones if your main struggle is with purging, not restricting????

I was told by one of the others that it will get better. Not necessarily easier, although i am told that will come too. Am i to believe this? I think it is possible but how do you deal with things until you arrive at the destination called 'Better'?

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